


Blind Ambition

by ctbn60



Category: Bandom, Metallica
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-21
Updated: 2010-08-21
Packaged: 2017-10-11 04:45:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 32,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/108546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ctbn60/pseuds/ctbn60
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a serious accident Kirk shows the man he really is, but is it enough?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blind Ambition

Title: Blind Ambition  
Author: Selursera  
Rating: NC-17 slash James/Kirk, James/Lars   
Summary: After a serious accident Kirk shows the man he really is, but is it enough?

Disclaimer: As we all know these stories are in no way supposed to suggest anything in any way shape or form about any certain band…they are purely for fun, and totally made up! They in no way portray any real life events or circumstances.

Notes: This story had started in only one POV~ Kirk's. But, everyone just started to speak up and wanted their say in this. Who am I to argue? Go figure muse once they start they all start at once.

&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;

He screamed.

The sharp, blinding pain registered first, but it was the loud crack when the fist hit him square across the jaw that finally broke his whimpering silence.

"No please! Nomorenomore," he begged, pleaded, his words slurring one into the other. Tears came to his eyes, and he ran. Ran for his life, but it was no use.

He wasn't fast enough or strong enough for this enemy.

Arms came around his legs like heavy weights, wrenching him down. His attacker crawled up his body, like a spider traveling over a fly trapped in its sticky web. Kirk thrashed about, he could feel the eight arms of his attacker all over him hitting and hurting him over and over again.

He couldn't move, couldn't breathe. He was trapped. Alone. No one too help him. His attacker's erection dug into his thigh while hot breath settled on him like a heavy, wet fog.

Cracked parched lips smothered his own. He felt the air being sucked from his lungs and Kirk pulled his lips free gasping for air.

"No...please not again...no," Kirk sobbed. "Please...no more...please."

Then, he was suddenly free again, running moving.

He heard a phone ringing. If he could just get to it, there would be help and he needed help. He ran through the swinging doors and finally found the room with the phone. It was only a little farther, if he could just...a hand shot out, yanked him away from the phone.

As he looked over his shoulder, James shook his head and finger at him. "No, no, Quirky. You've been a bad boy and deserve to be punished." He grinned, and then Kirk felt a sharp tug on his arm, followed by a painful pop as his shoulder dislocated.

"Noooo!" Kirk screamed and pulled himself toward the phone. "Have to -- get – this!" He finally managed to grab the receiver. "Help me...please."

Kirk fell to his knees at the unmistakable sound of a shotgun being cocked behind him.

"Please!" Kirk balled his hands into fists and screamed. "Nooooo!" as the blast echoed off the walls.

 

~**~**~**~**~**~**~

"Mr. Hammett? Are you okay? Hello?"

What? What the fuck? Fucking shit, it's pitch black in here goddamnit.

I blinked and squinted trying to adjust to the muted darkness. I could feel the cool sweat as it trickled down my back. My hands trembled as I hiccupped, taking in as much air as I could to slow down my breathing.

The dream, not again. I hadn't had that fucker in years. It started the night before Cliff died, and lasted for a little over a year.

One fucking awful year. One fucking crazy dream.

Sure, James had his moments, but he'd never ever hit me.

He was fast with his mouth, but after he hit Lars that one time and sent him flying over his kit, blood everywhere from a busted lip; with his reaction you would've thought he had killed him. James hadn't laid a hand on anyone since. I didn't understand the dream back then, and I sure as fuck don't get why it had resurfaced now.

Breathe Hammett, breathe.

It's dark and I fumbled for the light and squinted at its brightness. I heard a far off voice calling me. I looked down at the heaviness in my hand and saw that it was the phone, and I realized the voice was coming from there.

"Hello? Who's this?" My heart pounded heavy in my chest. Something was fucking wrong. "James, is that you?" I asked when an answer wasn't quick in coming.

"Mr. Hammett, this is Doctor Sloan at Community General Hospital in Redwood."

"Yes?"

"I'm sorry to tell you this, but there's been an accident involving a Mr. James Hetfield. We need you to come down to the hospital."

Accident? There was generally only one kind of accident a man had while out hunting. "Is it bad? Is he okay?"

"I really can't give you any details over the phone, please just come as soon as you can. He's in no immediate danger, so take it slow, Mister Hammett. Do you know where we're located?"

"I think I can find it. I've been in that area before with James. I'll be there as soon as I can." I grabbed a pen and pad and wrote down the address.

I hung up the phone, and as soon as the handset was back in the cradle, I could let it out. "Fuck," I screamed, to no one in particular, as I raced around the room looking for my clothes, wallet, and keys. I wondered if I should call Jase before I realized that he was in Michigan with his folks. No need to panic him yet. Lars was in Denmark so he could wait too.

I thought about booting the computer up to get directions but realized I didn't have the patience and there was no fucking way my memory would help me in the pitch black of the night. Instead, as I shrugged into my shirt and jacket on the way out the door, I called information on the cell and asked for the hospital. Once I got them, I asked for directions even as I started the car and backed it out of the gates.

I hit the end button on the cell phone and just concentrated on remembering the directions. Almost before I knew it, I stood at a nurse's desk on a ward asking for James's room. I realized I had no memory of most of the drive or even how I got from the parking garage to the floor James was on. Must have been even more tired than I had thought.

"Mr. Hammett?"

I turn to find a kind elderly gentlemen standing there. He had white hair, blue eyes and wore glasses exactly like James' new pair

"Yes?"

"I'm Dr. Sloan. We spoke...?"

He smiled and I accepted his extended hand. Doctors and their smiles. I knew all too well how a smile usually meant they were hiding something behind it. The experience of putting up with them for a lot of years gives you an edge.

"Mr. Hammett, Mr. Hetfield was hunting and it seems that his shotgun backfired."

"Backfired?" Oh Shit. I've begged James for years not to hunt. I finally gave up when I realized it was a part of him, like breathing. He always told me that he ate what he shot, as if that was supposed to make me feel better. It was never about killing animals, for me, it was the fear of the power of the gun. I realized that I was still standing there in silence and forced my mind back to the present. The doctor was staring expectantly but patiently at me. He must have realized I was lost in my thoughts. "Did he shoot himself?"

"Not quite, the chamber jammed and instead of releasing the cartridges, the gun locked and exploded out the back. The blast hit him in the face."

I must have paled because I felt the doctor's hand on my arm, which steadied me.

"He was burned once, by pyros. Are the burns bad?"

"Not as bad as they could have been. Thanks to some fast reflexes, they were limited to a fairly contained area. They aren't especially severe burns, so we expect that they will heal quite nicely. The group he was hunting with brought him in very quickly."

"That's good news. Can I see him?"

That didn't seem so bad after all. The knot in my stomach was finally loosening and I could feel my shoulders settle from around my ears. But there was something in the doctor's face. Something that just didn't seem right. "Is there anything else that I should know?"

"There is one more thing, but perhaps we should let Mr. Hetfield tell you."

My pulse started to race and my hands became clammy. Just when things were looking up there was always a 'but' and then they drop the other shoe. "Dr. Sloan, please just tell me."

"Since you were listed in Mr. Hetfield's emergency contacts, I suppose I can give you the basic details. The flash damaged Mr. Hetfield's retinas--we don't know yet to what extent. The damage may be temporary--the eye is an amazing organ with lots of healing capabilities--but there is an outside chance that he may be permanently blind."

"Blind? Fuck!" My knees went weak and I slumped back against the wall. "What...when will we know for sure?"

"We have a specialist coming in tomorrow. He'll be able to tell you more after he does his examination."

Shit. Specialist. Tomorrow. I wouldn't be bringing James home tonight. "Can I see him?"

"Sure. We had to sedate him, so he's a bit groggy. I'm afraid he wasn't the best of patients."

I forced a laughed. "James is like that, kind of a handful, " I said, following the doctor down the hall. "This specialist..." I start.

"Don't worry. He's the best in his field. Mr. Ulrich is sending him."

"You spoke with Lars?"

"Yes, shortly after I spoke with you. He was the first name on Mr. Hetfield's emergency contact card. He said he would be here tomorrow."

The first name? I wondered why, but didn't have the time to ask anything else; we arrived at James door.

"Thank you doctor." I shook his hand and then slipped inside the dim room, treading softly so as not to disturb James.

I found him lying in the bed nearest the window and he looked so helpless with those bandages covering his face. I flashed back to Montreal seven years ago and started to shake. Fuck! I had to get a hold of myself for him.

"Kirk?"

"Yeah, Het, it's me." I leaned down kissed him softly on the lips and brushed a stray lock of hair from his face.

"Kirk, don't. Not here." James pulled his head away.

Well that much hadn't changed. I should have been bothered but I wasn't. James preferred to keep our relationship a secret. Hell, it took him three years to even tell Uli. Of course the Danish elf already knew. Lars and I are way too close for me to keep that from him, but he never let on.

"It's okay. I'm alone."

He nodded, and then winced. If James was staying true to form, he was refusing to take the painkillers. He preferred his pain to be crushed from a bottle. I sat on the bed next to him and took his left hand. Bringing it to my lips, I kissed it.

"What did you go and get yourself into, mighty one?"

When James raised his right hand to touch my cheek, I saw it was bandaged too. Fuck! Gently, I guided his hand to my face.

"I guess all your rants about guns being dangerous may be kind' a true, huh?"

James' voice was light and teasing. Hell, even in his state he was trying to keep me calm.

"You don't have to worry about me, James. I'm fine. How's the pain?" I could take this, James needed me and I could be there for him. Like he always was for me.

He winced again and I rang for the nurse.

"Not too bad, Hamlet," he whispered. His voice cracked a bit, betraying the pain.

The nurse entered the room and James jumped. His other senses must have been working on overtime. I remembered reading how they kick in when one is damaged. Even though James ragged me about it, college was good for something. I spoke up; making sure my voice was strong.

"Excuse me nurse..." I looked at her nametag. "...Evans. James is in pain and I'd like him to have some medication."

The nurse picked up the chart at the end of the bed and made a quick note. "He's refused everything that we've tried to give him so far."

"Just bring it to me. I'll make sure he takes it."

She nodded and walked out of the room. I liked her; she didn't even flinch when she saw that I was holding James' hand. He must have really been in pain because he didn't pull away.

"I'm not taking that shit," James growled.

"Yes you are. Don't fuck with me, Hetfield, or by morning I'll have it all over this floor that we're lovers." James opened his mouth to say something, but thought better of it.

I poured a glass of water from his pitcher just as the nurse returned with his pills. After I put them in his left hand, I watched him pop them into his mouth. Then I placed the straw on his lips, teasing them with my finger first. I watch as he downed them.

Pills!

Shit I forgot to take my Adapin, and I didn't bring the bottle with me. Well, I've forgotten them before, so it should be all right for a day or two.

"You really have him under control. He gave us a hell of a time." The nurse smiled at me.

"You just need to know his weak spot. Then use it against him. He becomes all puppy dog like."

James smirked. I heard him growl 'fuckerrrrr' under his breath and I smiled.

"Thank you, Nurse Evans."

"You're welcome. Call me Judy. You know it's against hospital policy for anyone but immediate family to stay here, but that bed is unoccupied, so if you use it I'll never tell." She quietly left the room.

"I like her. You have to stop giving the nurses a hard time. You're gonna be here a few days."

"Fuck that shit. No way I'm staying here past tonight."

"You are! Uli called in a specialist. He arrives tomorrow."

"Specialist? Why do I need a specialist? This is just a little flash burn. Right?" His voice was tired and groggy.

"Just sleep, Het. I'm here." I grabbed his hand and laid my head across his chest. "We'll talk about this in the morning."

"No, Hamlet now...please?"

I picked my head up and looked at him. "It's just a precaution. You know Uli, he wants the best for you. Money's no object. I'm sure he'll be here tomorrow."

"The dictator is cutting his vacation short?" James paused for a long time then added, "Is it permanent?" I could feel his heart racing beneath my fingers, and I smoothed my hand over his chest.

I had to tell him the truth. "They don't know how bad it really is, that's why the specialist is coming." I held my breath as James' grip on my hand tightened.

"You staying, Hamlet?"

"I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for you, no matter what. For better -- for worse. Remember?"

The squeezing became tighter.

"James can I ask you something?"

"Hmm, sure," he mumbled. The medicine must have been kicking in.

"Why was Lars the first name on your emergency list?"

"Oh, have Lars' number as my 'mergency contact in...wallet."

"Why not me?" I asked him trying to keep my voice steady. I mean we are the fucking couple. Not him and Lars.

"Never want to worry you...love you...Ham...let." His voice slurred as he fell into a deep sleep.

I knew that he loved me. I just wished he'd stop thinking I would break at the slightest hint of bad news. My problems are under control now. Why is it so hard for him to see that? I'm sure if it were Lars, he would never worry. Uli would have it all under control.

"Love you too, James. But you have to trust me."

His snore was the answer to my statement. So I just gave in and snuggled my head against his chest. I could hear his heart beat steady. It was the last thing I heard till morning, when I felt a hand rubbing across my upper back and smelled a strong cup of coffee somewhere close to my nose.

"Hej," Lars whispered.

I sat up and my body objected at once; it had stiffened and I couldn't straighten out. I kind' a looked like a pretzel. "Fuck. I can't sleep sitting up." I stood and slowly stretched my tired aching muscles. Then I took the cup from Lars. "Thanks, Uli."

"Anytime, Hammy. I know it had to be a long night."

I looked over at Jason standing on the other side of James bed. He looked tired and the dark circles under his eyes meant he probably didn't sleep very well. "Hey, Jay. He's gonna be okay." Jason nodded. I turned to Lars. "I thought you would be here. When did you call Jason?"

"I called him at his parent's place and we met each other at the airport."

Jason wasn't good at handling it when any of us are hurt or sick. He was lot more attached to us then he let on sometimes. I walked over and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Hey, do I have to get the nurses to give you something?"

"Nah, I'm fine, thanks. How're you holdin' up?"

"I'm just great!" James interrupted. "You fuckers. A guy can't get any sleep around here with ya'll talking so freakin' loud?" James tried to make his voice sound hard, but he failed.

"Ja, we love you too, Het. Now get your ass outta that bed. We have to get back to work. Vacation's over."

"I love you too, Uli. But isn't your specialist coming today?"

Lars looked at me. "He knows?" he mouthed.

I nodded.

"Just a formality. You know I'm always looking for the best. Everything is gonna be fine," Lars chirped.

"That's the second time I've heard that."

I watched as James turned in the direction of Jason.

"Hey Jase, how ya doin'?"

He leaned over and grabbed James' good hand. "I'm doing fine. How's the other hand?"

James wiggled his fingers. "Not so bad, they just covered it to protect from infection. The burn was superficial there."

Jason smiled. "I'm glad to hear that."

"So we don't need to give John a call?" I teased hoping it would relax him.

James frowned. "Fuck, can't even think of music right now. Can't really think of anything."

This didn't sound good, totally not like the fighting Hetfield we all knew and loved. I grabbed his hand, held on tightly, and sat down on the bed next to him. "James, it'll be okay. We can postpone the studio time until you're better."

"Better? What the fuck makes you think I'm gonna get better?"

"James, why don't we wait till Doctor Hart sees you first?" Lars offered.

"What the fuck is this doctor gonna do that the other one can't? What's the fucking point? Why does this dick know more then the last one? Lars -- you and your specialists. I don't think he can do anything."

Okay, James was rambling now and he was starting to scare me. It was hard to see him out of control like this. James always had to be in control.

"Well, why don't you let me be the judge of that?" We all turned to look in the direction of the commanding voice that came from the doorway. This very handsome man came into James' room and extended his hand to me. I took it and smiled, shaking it firmly. "I'm Doctor Joseph Hart. I believe we talked on the phone, Mr. Ulrich?"

"Nice to meet you doctor, but I'm Kirk Hammett." I nodded in Lars' direction and he shook his hand. "That's Lars," I turned to Jason. "...and that's Jason Newsted."

Jase nodded.

"Hey, Kwirk aren't you forgetting someone?" James growled.

"Ah...yes, and this is, James Hetfield. Your uncooperative patient."

"Yes, I can see that. So, Mister Hetfield, why don't you let me examine you before you jump to conclusions?" The doctor turned back to us. "Would you all please leave the room for a few minutes?"

Fuck him if he thinks I'm leaving. "But doctor, I..."

"I understand, Mister Hammett. You're obviously James' partner, but I wouldn't examine him with you in the room anyway. Don't worry, I'll fill you all in when we're done." The doctor flicked off the lights and started to close the curtains.

I turned and looked one last time as we shuffled out of the room. I could hear James asking the doctor how he knew we were a couple.

The doctor said he could tell by the way that I was looking at James. He said his boyfriend looks at him the very same way. Then there was the way we were holding hands when he came in. James smiled, and said something I couldn't hear as I closed the door.

"Come on, Kirk. Let's go get something to eat. The doctors going to be a while," Lars said. I could see his gaze traveling over my face then linger on my eyes; his seemed dark with concern.

"Do I look that bad?"

"Ja," Lars wasn't one for pulling punches. He put his arms around Jason and me and led us to the cafeteria.

I really hate hospital food so the prospect of eating didn't appeal to me, but when we stepped out of the elevator I was surprised to find a LeBon in the middle of a fuckin' hospital. Who would have thought? Now I can get a Caesar Chicken wrap and a cappuccino. Hey I'm a practical man. I eat what's available in a pinch. Chicken is the only other meat I wrap my lips around besides James' cock.

I was sitting and staring into my cappuccino until a hand was suddenly waving frantically in front of my face. "You in there?"

"Huh? Yeah, sorry Jase, I'm here. I was just thinking."

"He's gonna be fine. You know that."

"Deep down, I actually believe that, but I'm worried he doesn't believe it. You know how James always has to be in control. Well this time he really isn't. I'm not sure how he'll handle it."

Just then Lars dropped an overloaded tray on the table. "James never liked hospitals. I'm sure that's what's bothering him. I'm actually surprised he stayed the night."

"He didn't have a choice. I threatened to tell the entire floor we're gay if he didn't behave."

"Don't worry, I'll talk to him, see if I can get into what's going on. If anything's even bothering him. Personally I think you're overreacting," Lars told me in-between mouthfuls of scrambled eggs, chunks flying everywhere. Nothing like our well-mannered Uli digging into his breakfast.

"Thanks, I'd appreciate that. You always seem to be able to get him to talk when I can't." I hoped I kept the bitterness out of my voice. Jason nudged me under the table. Fuck, guess I didn't. "I mean you two are like brothers, I'd appreciate any help. Thanks."

"No problem," Lars mumbled as he continued stuffing his mouth with food. I guess he didn't notice the edge to my words. Christ I'm being such a bitch.

We finished up rather quickly, but in total silence, which was a bit odd for Uli. I figured he probably did hear the harshness in my tone after all. I'd have to fix this later as soon as I had a chance. I was being harsh with him and I knew it, but right then I was more concerned about James.

As we returned upstairs we ran into the doctor at the nurse's station. He was signing something on James chart. He looked up and smiled at us. "Well Mr. Hammett, you can take James home today. I'm releasing him." My heart sank.

"You mean there's nothing you can do for him?" I could feel the tears stinging my eyes, but I fought them back. I would be brave for James. I had to be.

"I didn't say that. I'll be operating in about a week I have to check my schedule with my office." He handed the chart and pen back to the nurse. "The skin needs some time to heal, but his prospects look excellent."

"You're fucking kidding me?" I know I had a shit-eating grin on my face.

He patted me on the shoulder. "No, not kidding. Now go take him home and nothing strenuous for the next week! Keep him on the first floor; it will take some getting use to for him to get around on his own. So stairs are out for a while."

"Don't worry Doctor. I'll be there, and when I can't one of our friends will."

"Good. I'll have a list of instructions and medications for you before you leave. There will be some cream for his hands from Doctor Sloan as well."

I shook his hand. "Thank you!" I felt like I was thanking the man who would give me my life back. No, our life. Once James could see again, everything would be fine.

"See I knew it would all work out." Lars hugged me. "Hey, you go tell James the good news. Jase and I will hitch a ride back with you two. We hired a car straight from the airport to drop us off here."

"Not a problem. James came up with some friends and I have the SUV, the beast is in the shop."

"Lars and I need to make a few phone calls. We'll meet you back here. It'll probably take some time for him to get released."

I nodded and waved at them as I ran down the hall to James' room. My stomach was doing flip-flops. Finally we would be going home. I plowed through the door, almost knocking the tray out of his nurse's hands. "Uh, sorry."

"It's okay." She smiled. "You're as excited as he is."

James was sitting on the bed, and he was struggling with getting his shirt on. "Yeah, let me give him a hand." She nodded and left us alone.

I watched him for a while hoping he would ask me to help. He can be such a stubborn man. Guess I'll have to give in, here. "Can I help?"

Tossing the shirt in my direction he sighed. "Fucking thing, I can't seem to get it untangled." I bent forward and picked it up from where it landed at my feet.

"Not a problem, you couldn't really dress yourself when you could see." He smirked at me. I pulled the sweater over his head. It still had dried blood on it, and I froze for a second when I realized it was his. Should have brought him something else to wear but I left the house so quickly I didn't even think of that.

Settling his arms into it he pulled it down and adjusted it to his waist. "Good Hamlet?"

"Yeah, babe. Good." I put my arms around him and gave him a big hug. He stiffened and I pulled back to look at him. "What's wrong?"

He pulled me close to him. "Nothing, I just didn't expect it. I'm just glad to get the fuck out of this place, that's all."

Sure that's all and I'm a professional wrestler and avid gun collector. When will James figure out that I know him better then he does? Something else is definitely bothering him. He could be such a stubborn fuck at times, but for now, I'd let it go. I knew there was no point pushing James when he doesn't want to talk.

We finished up and headed downstairs via wheelchair. We would have left an hour ago but it took two orderlies to get James in the damn chair. He wanted to walk out of the damn hospital under his own steam. Settling into the car, I finally closed my eyes for a few minutes and nodded off to sleep, when I was jerked awake by the car swerving.

Lars insisted on driving. I must have been out of my fucking mind, or really tired. Maybe both? He was swerving all over the road. But then I noticed James was pulling on his arm and looked at my watch. Shit we made it home in only an hour.

"What the fuck do you mean you let someone into our house to fix things?" James snarled at Lars. Yeah, I'm outta my mind. I have to hand it to Lars though; he waited until we turned into the driveway until he told us.

"It was only Gio and Nicholas. They just rearranged the guestroom downstairs and moved a few things out of the way. You trust Gio. He wouldn't go through anything."

"Not the point man. I don't like people there when we aren't home. Kirk and I could have done this."

"He's right, Uli. I would have taken care of it," I told him softly as we got out of the car. I actually didn't mind the help, but I would have liked to be the one to ask for it.

Jason helped James and I grabbed his bags from the hatchback. We came back around to where Lars was standing and I looked up as Jason nudged me. Lars actually looked hurt. In all the years we've been together, I've not seen many things make him get this kicked puppy look. But this really hit home for him. I knew that he missed doing things for James. Lars loves to 'take care' of things; it's just in his nature and they are best friends. For the longest time, he was the one who was there for James, until James and I became a couple, that is.

I put my hand on his shoulder. "It's okay Lars. I know you were only trying to help us. It really was thoughtful, I'm sorry."

He smiled. "You two have been through enough, I just wanted you to be able to settle in and relax until next week." Lars took the bag and started to walk toward the house.

"We understand and appreciate it. Don't we, James?" I called after him then nudged James hoping he would understand what was going on. I extended my elbow so he could follow us up the stairs.

"No I don't appreciate someone going...oomph!" A sharp elbow to the rib cage stopped that line of thought really fast. "But, thanks anyway, Uli," James growled and turned to me to whisper. "That fucking hurt."

"Sorry, I just didn't want to hurt his feelings. He does do a lot for us and you should trust his judgment."

James stopped on the porch and stroked my cheek. "Sorry, Hamlet. You're right. It's nice to see how much you care about him."

"Right now I care about us. We need to talk a bit after Jase and Lars leaves."

"There's really nothing to talk about."

Yeah right! His body language said otherwise. James shoulders were tight and his jaw was clenched. I don't think he realized how much he was giving away. Was it all just fear about his eyesight? I couldn't be sure and I really needed to know.

We walked inside and I whistled. They did a hell of a job in only a few hours. The furniture was rearranged giving clear pathways through the living room to the door and into the study and guest bedroom. I think I actually liked this setup better.

"I'm starved. Anyone want something to snack on?" Jason smiled and ran toward the kitchen.

"Sure, Jase. Sounds great. I think we have some shit in the fridge." I helped James sit down and looked around a bit more. "Lars, this is great. How on earth did they know what to do?"

"I let them talk to a therapist who does this for a living. He told them how to set everything up, even the kitchen. Some of James clothes have been moved into the guestroom, and arranged by colors and style. The therapist will come and talk to you two in a few days."

"No need too do that, James will be fine in a few weeks. I'm sure we won't need him."

"Um, why don't we just see what the dude has to say?" James interrupted. "Kirk would you get me a beer, please?"

That's smooth James. Why do I feel like I'm being gotten rid of? Hmmm...maybe I should take my pill before things get worse.

"Sure thing. Lars, something to drink?" Ever the gracious host.

"Ja, a Kettle One on the rocks would be great! Thanks, Kirk."

I left the two of them huddled in the corner talking softly, while I went to get the drinks and talk to Jase. Perhaps he would let me know what was going on between those two. They both seemed on edge, and I wanted to know why.

I still found it odd that James gave up drinking the hard stuff over six moths ago, but still insists on keeping a few bottles in the house for his best friend. I do have to say, in James' defense, that he's never even touched it once. The bottle is still closed. But if I gave something up I wouldn't want it in my face every time I went past the liquor cabinet. I even went as far as not to drink anything hard at home. Only when we're out and in public it's less of a temptation for him.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~

 

I bounded into the kitchen just as Jason was sticking a huge sandwich into his mouth while trying to balance a tray overflowing with them. "Jase it's only four of us, not an army," I teased.

He blushed and swallowed the bite. "Sorry, I'm really hungry." He looked down at the platter. "Guess I went a bit overboard."

"Nah, it's okay." I grabbed a few bottles of beer from the fridge and got Lars his Kettle One." By any chance do you know what's going on between Lars and James?" I went over to the windowsill and took one of my pills and washed it down with a glass of water.

"Going on?"

"They seemed to be huddled in the corner. When we were in the hospital, I had get the instructions from the doctor and when I came back into the room, they seemed to be arguing about something. They suddenly stopped when I came into the room."

Jason frowned and looked down. "Sorry, I wish I could help, but I'm not privy to the great duo's secrets. In some ways I'll always be the Newkid."

"Um...Jase."

"Yeah?"

"That sounded a bit..."

"Bitter?"

"Well, yeah. If you don't tell them what's eating at you, things will never get better. You made me swear never to say anything, and I'll keep my promise. But you damn well need to talk this out with them, before things get worse."

Jason put down the tray. I watched his blue eyes twinkle with so many emotions. Fuck, we did some awful shit to him, but Jason was the kind of guy who would really listen to you and weigh all the possibilities. I could tell he didn't want to add to the confusion, right now. "You don't have to do it now, but once the surgery is over and James is back to his old self. You had better sit them both down and talk. Okay?"

"His old self huh? Like that's an incentive," Jason smirked.

I gave him my best and most stern look. I had enough practice dealing with James on a day-to-day basis.

"Okay, okay. I promise, now let's get back inside before the two brains have us playing a concert with Oasis as the opening act."

"Hey I like their music too, but as our opening act? Lars would never think of..." If it could make money yes he fucking would. "Erm, yeah, let's get back inside."

Jase and I were still laughing as we walked into the living room. I could barely hear Lars whispering.

"James I'm telling you doing a tour with Oasis would be great. Think of it the press we would get!"

"Lars, right fucking now the band and touring is the furthest thing from my mind. But Oasis? Did you bump you head while you were on vacation?" James was smiling and actually laughing. It was good to see him relax a bit. "Next thing we know, you'll be suggesting going on tour with the Backstreet Duds to bring in more chicks."

"Now, that's not a bad idea," Lars went for his cell phone and Jason bumped it out of his hand with his ass.

"Not on your fucking life, dictator!" Jason growled.

"I don't think so Lars." I rolled my eyes at him.

"Okay, sandwiches at twelve o'clock James." Jase instructed as he put the platter down. I handed him a dish and gave him his beer, then moved forward to grab a sandwich for him, but he had already grabbed one and put it on his plate. I pulled my hand back and accidentally knocked his beer on the floor.

"Fuck! Sorry bout that." Jase had already thrown a bunch of napkins on the spill and I gave James my beer. "I just wanted to help." I'm just so jumpy and knew it was because of missing my pill.

James put his hand on my shoulder and rubbed back and forth. "It's okay. I hate this damn rug anyway."

I kneeled down, laid my head on his lap and closed my eyes. The whole weekend was finally getting to me. "I think I'm getting tired that's all. Maybe it's time for bed." I rubbed James' knee I really couldn't wait to get him back into our bed. But there it was again, that tension in his body. It was only there for a second, but it was there.

"I'm not really tired. Why don't you go ahead? I want to talk to Lars and Jase for a while."

If I were a paranoid person I'd say he was avoiding being alone with me. Oh wait! I am a paranoid person.

"Are you sure, James? That was one hell of a drive," Jason said as he looked at Lars. "Even I'm tired." He must have seen the look of disappointment on my face. Leave it to Jase to try and smooth things over.

"Nope wide awake, and I even want to get a few lyrics down, and talk to you about that new song you've been working on."

I guess the dick didn't get the hint.

"Lyrics?" Lars questioned as he rubbed his eyes.

"Yeah, my recorder is in the Beast. Would you get it for me, Lars?"

"James, the Beast is in the shop remember? I have my personal recorder I'll get it for you." His recorder? I mean, I know it's only eight o'clock, but he's gonna write lyrics, talk to Lars and Jase about the record and work on Jason's new song? He was just in the damn hospital.

"Thanks, Hamlet. I forgot."

I ran into my study and grabbed my recorder. Bringing it back to James, I showed him where the stop and start button was, then hugged Lars and Jason, and started upstairs to bed. I felt a strong hand stopping me. "Kirk, your stuff is down here too. I figured you'd want to be with James," Lars whispered. He pulled me aside. "You still want me to talk to him?"

"I could just be paranoid, but I think something else besides this vision thing is bothering him. I was hoping he would tell you about it when you were talking before."

"No, we were just talking about band shit. Look, I'll talk to him, but if I know James it's mostly that he's worried about you and how you're taking this."

"You think so? I'm fine, and you can tell him that." I could see a look of doubt in his eyes and I grabbed his hand. "Honest. The doctor painted a really good picture for us. I'm sure James'll be okay."

"That's what we were arguing about in the hospital when you came in. I told him you were doing fine."

"He didn't believe you?"

Lars shook his head. "I just think he's concerned that the stress will be too much for you, that's all. You talk to him, reassure him and I'll do my best to put him at ease." Lars hugged me and I went off to our new bedroom for a shower. I needed to get this hospital smell off of me.

I walked over to the bedroom door and something stopped me. For a minute, I leaned against the wooden frame and just took in the sight before me. The three of them started talking and I felt much better after James smiled a few times. He has a wonderful smile that says so much about him. When he actually decides to smile that is.

See I shouldn't be so worried that something is wrong, but I can't really help myself. It's part of the bipolar disorder I suffer from; I always knew I was 'bi' something. I've lived with it most of my fucking life. My childhood was less then normal. Dad was abusive when he was around. It's one of the reasons I didn't want children. I never wanted to inflict that kind of pain on anyone, and I'm not even sure I'd know how to relate to a child. Thanks dad, some legacy. I never expected anything from him though, so I was never really disappointed. It's just too bad I had to watch the pain in mom's eyes.

There were tons of times, once I was old enough, where I had to stand in between him and my mom. The times when I was too little she would actually put herself over me as dad wailed away, not caring who he hit as long as someone was screaming from the blows. Mom was awesome, she did her best to try and make things up to me, but it was hard. Money was really tight, and so we didn't live in the best neighborhood.

The sick, disgusting neighbor that lived next door was a sex pervert. He would have made Mr. Rogers cringe. I still shudder at what I saw that man do, with animals even. Of course, once I focus on him, then the floodgates open and I have to face all those horrible things he did to me. I'm still not sure why I didn't tell anyone for so long. It was attention, male attention; perhaps I was looking for something to hold onto even at that young age. It took me three years of therapy just to get through those memories.

The guys got loud with each other and I look back at them, realizing I was staring off into the distance. I smiled when James threw part of his sandwich at Jason; fucker was so fast, he ducked and it hit Lars right in the head. Nice shot babe!

But back to my former problems. I say former, because it is under control. Has been for years now, but I can easily remember back to the very worst times. There were days when I could be that DiCaprio dude at the front of the ship yelling 'I'm on top of the world'. Then the next day I would stay in bed with the covers pulled over my head. I seemed to have a pretty mild case, and for a while they thought I had Cyclothymia, a mood disorder, but the mood swings were too severe, and the drug and alcohol abuse didn't help. In fact, it just made things worse.

Oh, most people, even the inner circle, know nothing about this, but the symptoms were there for anyone who knew what they were looking for. Leave it to Uli to find the key. He first suspected, one day, when he found me with a knife to my wrist. See I've always been obsessed with death, and when things got really bad, one year. I just thought it was time to end it all. Uli was there for me, and to my surprise, so was James. We found out about my problem just before James and I became a couple, and he still wanted to be with me.

Most of my symptoms were easy to explain. They attributed my stuttering and slurred speech to nerves, or drinking. Most people thought I was drunk, and a good many times I was, but I was never drunk on stage or for important interviews. Whenever I tried to talk on stage those two things seemed to flare up and those were just the mild symptoms.

The worst symptom was when I became addicted to sex. I would fuck anything, anywhere, at anytime. It was hell to be that desperate for something. I don't know if you can understand this but it took all the pleasure out of it for me. Of course I was twenty something at the time, so no one really noticed at first. Everyone was fucking everything, hey, it was a perk of being in a band. A willing hole was a willing hole. James was the first one to get a clue to my sex problem when I would wake him up in the middle of the night several times for sex. If he didn't wake up, I'd just go out and find someone who was willing. I put James through hell, but he seemed to understand and was there for me. Especially after Lars suggested, um...forced him to go to the therapist with me.

Vegetarianism, another of my quirks. You think I'm a veggie by choice? That I'm on some weird crusade to save the animals of the planet? Not really, amino acids are a natural way to treat this disorder, and I prefer natural over a pill any day. So I eat loads of fish and stay away from meat, which hinders its absorption. But even with all this my problem needed more help and my therapist put me on Adapin.

Finally, after a year, with James' love, some therapy and the meds, things were soon under control. I still have some odd obsessive thoughts sometimes. And I am still addicted to sex, but only with James as my partner. I think that's why I put so much into our sexual relationship. For me it's an anchor to James. One I'm afraid to give up.

I uncrossed my arms and headed in to the bedroom, stripped off my clothes, showered quickly fell between the cool sheets. Fuck, it felt nice. It took a while but I drifted off into a light sleep; I won't really rest 'til James was next to me and I felt safe. He's always made me feel safe at night.

I finally felt James slip in beside me at around two in the morning. Jase led him inside helped him undress, take a piss and then quietly left. James put his arms around me and snuggled into my side and fell asleep. Right then and there, I made up my mind that I would reassure him that he would be well, and that I was fine. Come hell or high water.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~

I carried the tray into the bedroom and set it down on the dresser just as he was coming out of his sleepy state. I watched him for a minute. James was chest down hugging his pillow tightly, the sheet only covering the crest of his ass. What I wouldn't give to get into his ass right now. I really needed to know that James was still mine. My cock started to get hard just as James turned over and sat up, settling against the pillows. He started to feel around for me.

"Kirk?"

"I'm here." I carried his coffee cup over to the bed and placed it in his hands and he took a long gulp.

"Coffee...good," James mumbled.

I started to snicker.

"Wha'so funny?"

"You sound like that camp chaos cartoon," I managed to blurt out before I fell over laughing hysterically.

"Very. Fucking. Funny," James growled. "Food?"

"Yes my caveman, food...good, but I'd rather eat something else first." My hand trailed over his thigh toward his cock.

James moved my hand aside and placed his cup on the night table. "I'm really hungry, Kirk."

Shit, is the world coming to an end? James was refusing sex! I mean he's gotten accustomed to my overactive libido. I actually believed he liked it. Maybe he's just tense. I leaned forward and kissed him.

"Me too, but couldn't we first..."

He gave me a peck on the lips. "Food first, right after I piss." He swung his legs over the side of the bed and walked toward the bathroom holding his hand out feeling along the bed then the wall for guidance.

How romantic -- a piss then food. I got up and went over to the dresser to get the platter of food. James came out and walked toward the bed.

"Fucker!" he yelled and grabbed his foot as he hopped along. I walked over and guided him to the bed. He pulled back a bit. He was being stubborn again. Imagine that.

"You can ask for my help you know? I really don't mind."

James sighed. "I know, I'm just used to doing things for myself."

"It's okay, but we need to talk about it. You seem to be avoiding me. Especially when it comes to being in bed together."

James sat down and I adjusted the pillows behind him and put the tray in front of him. "Eggs at six o'clock bacon at twelve, coffee at two." I watched as his hands moved slowly over the tray. He really seemed to be adapting pretty well.

"Thanks, and there's nothing to talk about. Honest. I'm just a little tired is all."

"You just woke up. You can't be tired, and you can't avoid me forever. I need to..." Fuck, the doorbell rang. Whoever it is, I'm personally going to kill them and then hide the body in the basement.

"Can you get that, babe, it's Lars. I asked him to come over early with some of the masters from the studio. I figured we could at least listen to them and go over a few things."

"Sure, but this early? It's not even eight."

"Sorry, you know I'm an early bird. I had to call in a favor to force Lars to get up this early, goddamn night owl."

James smiled and I threw a pillow against the wall and walked off to answer the screeching doorbell. Lars had taken to leaning on it. I guess he figured that if he wasn't sleeping, no one would be.

"Okay...okay!" I shouted as I pulled open the door. Lars thrust a warm bag into my hands and pushed past me with a box full of masters."

"Breakfast. Coffee?" Hmm, seems he was as monosyllabic as James.

I nodded in the direction of the kitchen and followed behind him. "You couldn't have told him you were busy this morning?"

"Don't blame me. He ordered me to do this, the fucker. I don't really function 'til I've slept for at least sixteen hours. He wouldn't let us leave before two, last night. Jase is coming too. James asked him to take you to some appointment you have." Lars put the box he was carrying on the counter.

"Appointment? Fuck, I forgot. I have to see the decorator. I wanted to redo the place and James finally agreed to it as long as we hired a decorator that he liked. Oh, and no blood red walls. I'll just go with moonlight red instead."

Lars pored both of us some coffee and was already putting cream cheese on the bagels he had brought. "Eat, you look terrible."

"You are so good for my ego." I took a quick bite. "I'm going to cancel that appointment." I got up and looked for the decorator's card near the phone.

"No, you aren't." I turned to see James standing in the door. He walked into the room and sat down at the table.

"Right now I don't give a shit about looking at curtain samples."

"We made these plans weeks ago. Getting an appointment with this dude was like trying to see the Pope. I can't go, but there's no reason why you shouldn't. So go. Lars is here to keep me company."

I looked over to Lars who just shrugged and nodded as he stuffed more bagel into his mouth.

"I'd rather not change anything we already planned. It will keep my mind off things. Okay?" James looked like he was upset.

What could I really say to that? The doctor told me to keep things as normal as possible. I looked over at Lars and he nodded and waved me off with his hands making little shooing motions.

"Okay, I'll go up and shower. Yell up to me when Jase gets here."

Lars mumbled something as he gave James a cup of coffee. I watched Lars' eyes catch my own and I saw some concern in them just before the door closed.

Half an hour later I was still standing in the shower as the hot water seeped into my body. God, this felt fucking great. I had this affinity with water. From an early age it was always able to put me at ease and soothe my spirit. Thank god I had a ton of money and a very large hot water heater. So there I stood until a knock on the door pulled me back from my thoughts.

"Kirk you still in here? Damn man, you're gonna turn into a prune," Jason called through the steam. "Fuck! And you still like your showers extra hot, don't you?"

I watched him swat at the steam then turned off the water and reached for the towel I had left on the rack. All I got was an empty rack. "Jase, give me the towel."

He shook his head and held it out to me. "Come and get it," he grinned as he backed out the bathroom door. Fucker!

Jason reminded me of a fucking little kid who was teasing an older brother. Trouble is, older brothers usually beat the crap out of younger brothers. "Jason Curtis Newsted, give me that damn towel now! Don't make me spank you!"

"Hey man, I'm not into spanking. Bondage is okay now and then if both parties agree." He tossed me the towel. "But spanking is totally out of the question."

I swatted his butt with the towel, walked into the bedroom and started drying myself off. "Why are you in such a good mood?" I rewarded him with one of my dazzling smiles.

He shrugged and sat down on the edge of the bed. "I get to spend the day with my best friend. Even if it's going to a fucking decorator's studio." He punctuated each word by tilting his head from side to side. He looked so cute when he did that.

I started getting dressed and decided to let him in on my plan. "I've canceled that appointment. How about taking my Trek and your Kona, throwing them in the truck, and heading up to the Marin Trails?"

Jason grinned from ear to ear. "Biking? Really? Fuckin'a man! Let's go! I'll just tell the guys there's been a change in plans."

I grabbed his arm and pulled him back into the room.

"Nope, no telling them anything. I'm going to say goodbye while you toss my bike in the truck and we can go pick up yours. I need to get out of here and work off a little steam, and I don't want James or Lars to know." I threw my riding clothes in a bag and tossed it to Jase.

Jason nodded and left the room without asking another question. I knew I could rely on him; that he, of all people, would understand and not push me with 'why' and 'how come'. He's been the one person I could tell things to that I wouldn't even tell Uli. If you tell Lars anything, there is a small chance it could wind up either in the papers, or on our web page, depending on where it would get the most publicity. He really knows when to work the system and when not to.

But back to Jase. He has been one of my best friends for eleven years now. Sometimes I think he knows me even better then James does. We're closer then I could ever have hopped for, especially after all the shit I helped put him through with the hazing and all. Then one day, when Jason's wife left him and he fell into a really bad relationship, he came to me for help to get through things. I've been there for him, and he for me ever since. Now he's in a solid relationship and very happy. I'm glad for him.

I finished dressing, fluffed out my hair and looked into the mirror for one last quick check. Looking good Hammett. I just hoped that James and Lars wouldn't suspect anything was up.

I paused in the doorway of the studio and watched them for a few minutes. James was sitting there with his headphones around his neck. It was an odd sight, seeing him with the bandages around his eyes, while Lars worked the board and he just listened; it just didn't look right. I sighed, put on my happy face, walked into the studio and over to James to kiss him on the cheek.

"We're off. Jase and I should be back in a few hours."

James rubbed his hand across my back. "Take your time. We'll be here."

"Ja, we'll be fucking here buried in work while you look at samples and lace."

I flipped Lars the bird. "We'll bring back Thai for dinner. You're on your own for lunch, check the fridge. I'm sure there's something edible." I pulled Lars over to the side. "See if you can find out what's up with him, for me."

"I'm more worried about you. Are you sure he's not acting like himself? He seems fine to me."

I shook my head. "Maybe, but he's not talking to me. So I'm hoping you can get through to him."

"Lars! Get the fuck over here now! Kirk out!" James growled.

I waved to Lars and walked out the door. Some things never change.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~

 

Before I knew it, Jase and I were at Marin Park unloading the bikes, throwing on our backpacks and heading up the trail. We managed to avoid anyone by taking one of the more advanced trails that the wimps avoided. When we got to the top of the trail we took a break and chugged down some water and a few power bars. I was huffing and puffing. Fuck, I'd forgotten how tough this trail was. Of course, I'd never admit I could just be out of shape.

So we sat there in blissful silence for a while 'til Jason decided his curiosity finally got the better of him.

"Gonna fill me in on what's happening?"

"I wish I knew, Jaybone. Something is going on in James' head and I'm not sure what it is."

"Did you try asking him?"

"He just avoids the issue by saying nothing's wrong."

Jason picked up a blade of grass and started to nibble on it. "Did you ever think that maybe nothing is wrong?"

What the fuck was he saying? That I was a worrywart? That I'm obsessive? That I was worried over nothing?

"You know you tend to worry over nothing."

Yeah, I guess that's exactly what he was saying. "Hey, I'm not like that."

"Yes you are, you're exactly like that. Most of the times with James you had good reason to worry. Maybe just this one time there really is nothing wrong, and James knows how you get so he just doesn't want to worry you."

"He doesn't want to have sex with me."

Jason frowned. "Is that what this is all about?"

"Have you ever known James to turn down sex?"

"I think you're grasping at straws here," he said between swigs of water. Jason laughed. "But you're right I've never seen Het refuse sex. Except for that time in Mexico City, but he was hugging the porcelain goddess at the time. Had been for three days!"

I laughed. "I don't know. I always knew that things were right between us because no matter how much we fought, or how bad things got, we would always be able to make up, usually in bed. I know it sounds shallow, but for me it's a way to be close to him and a way to fix everything."

Jason looked at me and I could see something flash in his eyes. I really wasn't sure what it was, but it almost looked like pity.

"There is no way your relationship is only held together by sex. Trust me, James could get sex anywhere and from anyone."

"Do you know something I don't?"

"Nah, man. You know -- he just oozes sex appeal. Both men and women want him, plain and simple. Not that you have to worry. Things used to be different when he was younger, but James wants more then just casual sex now. I've always envied how close you and he really are. There's always this special bond between you two. I mean anyone with two good eyes could see it."

"Like his bond with Lars?"

Jason hung his head and I watched him start to laugh. "Do not tell me this is about his relationship with Lars! His B-R-O-T-H-E-R-L-Y relationship with Lars. You can't be insecure about them having sex with each other? Hello! Lars is straight!"

I snickered. "No. I know Lars is as straight as they come. I don't see them having a sexual relationship. I just wish I could be as close to James as Lars is, without the sexual part getting in the way. Sometimes I wonder if the sex is all we have. If that's why James has stayed with me for so long."

"They're close because they talk to each other. They trust one another enough and rely on that trust. It's like I said before, I think your relationship is built on a hell of a lot more then sex. You seem to keep thinking that things are the same as eight years ago, when you felt you had to use your body just to hold onto a friend."

I put my hand on his shoulder. I really never meant to hurt him, but many of those nights before James and I were a couple, when I needed someone I found myself in Jason's bed. "I'm sorry I've hurt you."

"I'm okay. We all got past all that shit. Things got better for you when you got into your relationship with James. Didn't they? Trust in it."

I just sat there for a long time, looking at him. I really didn't know what to say. Perhaps I was reading too much into things. I just realized that I was able to talk to Jason about anything and he always made me see how I was going overboard. I needed to trust in James and trust in myself. Jason was right, I had come a long way. I didn't want to go back.

"Look, if you want my opinion, I'm sure he's stressed, and worried about the operation. That's all. I mean if I were facing surgery that was going to give me back my eyesight, the last thing on my mind would be sex."

"You think so?"

"You put too much emphasis on sex. There is so much more to you two then that."

"I know, but there is something there I just can't put my finger on. He's more then just worried about the operation. I just have this feeling."

"He very well may be worried about you and how you are holding up through all this. You wondering isn't going to get you any answers. When Lars and I leave tonight ask him what's going on. Don't let him avoid the question. Tell him you're worried, and that you won't break if he fesses up."

"But I tried talking to him and he made sure Lars was there bright and early for work."

"You think he set that up to avoid talking to you? Maybe he's afraid if he tells you what's bothering him you might get upset."

"You think he's worried that I might lose it?"

"It's possible. Are you taking your medication?"

"I won't, you know, and yes."

"I know you're stronger now. This could very well be the time to show him how strong. Don't let him avoid the issue. Showing is much better then telling, I hear."

I reached over and hugged him. "You're right. I'll get my answers tonight. Thanks, You always seem to know what to say to make me feel better."

"I told you a long time ago, I'd always be there for you and I meant it." He stood up and wiped off the dust from his ass. "How about we race down the hill. First one down owes the loser twenty bucks?"

I grabbed my helmet and strapped it to my chin. "Make it fifty and you're on!" I yelled as I mounted up and started down the path.

"Hey wait up you fucker!" I heard him shout after me. But I was already flying down the trail actually excited about getting home.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~

"Shit, I'm really sorry, Kirk," Jason kept apologizing as he pulled me out of the car and pulled my arm up over his shoulder.

"This isn't your fault. Accidents happen." Fuck! He bumped my knee against the car door. "Fuckin A!"

"Crap, I'm really sorry, man. James is gonna fucking flip."

"Nah, he won't even know. We'll sneak in and, before Uli can say anything, you'll just pull him aside and tell him what happened." He handed me my cane and opened the door. I could see Lars sitting there and James pacing back and forth. Before I could motion to Lars not to say anything he gasped and James turned in my direction.

"Kirk? That you?"

"Yeah, it's us." Fuck there's something in his voice.

He knows.

I'm so dead.

"You're late."

"We stopped for Thai," Jason said and handed the bag to Lars. I could see he was trying to tell me something but wasn't daring to say anything out loud.

"So, how did the meeting go?"

"It was oka..."

"Kirk, don't fuck with me!" James yelled. "Where the hell have you and Jase been?"

"Riding. I cancelled the meeting."

"You went riding? Why the hell didn't you answer your cell phone?"

"It broke when I fell." Fuck why did I feel like a little kid being chastised by his father? Shit, so not a good parallel in my case.

"Fuck! You fell! And you didn't even call me?"

"Just calm the fuck down. I told you I broke my phone and Jason didn't have his. The ride should have been clean, but I biffed. I'm fine, the doctor said nothing was broken."

Of course, I leave out the bank of payphones at the hospital and me begging Jase not to call James.

"Broken? You mean this was bad enough for a hospital visit and you didn't call me."

"James, I didn't think it was that bad, but I thought it was best for him to get it looked at, just to be sure," Jason interrupted.

"So when the fuck did you become his keeper? Why do you think you know what's best for him?"

"Hey, I know knee injuries can be serious and it doesn't always show up right away. I was just being cautious. As it is, the knee is just bruised and he needs to stay off it a few days."

"Cautious? Are you sure that's all there is?"

"James, don't go there." Lars had been quiet until now and I watched him put his hand on James' arm.

"No, Lars, let him. What the fuck are you saying, James?" Jason's jaw was locked so tight his cheek was pulsing, and that tiny vein in the side of his neck was going a mile a minute.

"I'm just saying that I'm glad you're straight, Newkid, or I'd be worried about you. You seem to want to take 'care' of Kirk lately."

Before I could say anything, Jason walked toward James and Lars bolted up to stand between them. Jason pointed his fingers at James' chest poking him sharply. "Fuck you, dickhead, if you don't know me better then that by now. I'm outta here!"

I hobbled after him but he had already slammed the door shut and was screeching out of the driveway before I made it even near the door.

"What the fuck was that all about? Losing your vision has addled your brain." Lars picked up his keys. "I'm gonna go check on him, Kirk. You gonna be all right?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm really fine. I'll take care of this idiot. Tell Jase I'm sorry, and I'll talk to him tomorrow."

"James, I'll see you tomorrow. We can finish our talk then," Lars called out as he slammed the door shut.

James walked into the bedroom feeling along the wall for aid. I followed him and watched as he sat down on the edge of the bed. He ran his hands through his hair. "I'm sorry. I was worried."

I sat down on the chair across from him. "This is how you show you're worried? By accusing Jason and me of having an affair? I'm not the one you need to apologize to."

"I know."

"What in God's name made you accuse us of fooling around? He's my best friend. He adores you, and would never ever do anything like that. I'm ashamed of you."

"Yeah, I know. I'll take care of it tomorrow. I'll call him. Besides, the fucker's straight anyway."

James was blind, even when he had his sight and it's one truth James will never hear from me. I'll never betray Jase and tell him that Jason prefers men. "No, you'll call him tonight!"

"Okay! I'll call him tonight. You're a pushy bastard."

"When I want to be." I walked over to the bed and sat down next to him. "So are you going to tell me why you accused us?"

"Jealousy, I guess. You two are so close that sometimes I feel left out. I know how much you like sex and, well, I thought you might want Jason because I coul...I didn't want to." James said softly.

I knew how much it took him to admit that, but frankly, I was shocked. "You're kidding right?"

"Why would you think I was kidding? I was just worried, I know how you look at sex and all I just..."

"Don't go there, that all ended years ago. I haven't been with anyone since you asked me out. I love you and I would never have an affair with anyone else. I'm committed to our relationship. You know better then that, you have the exact same kind of relationship with Lars as I do with Jason. Would you jump into bed with him on just a whim?"

"Fuck, no!"

"Exactly! Something like that could destroy us."

"Ah, I see your point."

"I needed someone to talk to because I felt like you were shutting me out. You didn't want to have sex and I thought..."

"Is that why you're so upset? I thought you were worried about me not getting my vision back."

"No, I really believe this doctor will help you."

He reached for my hand. "I really don't know how to tell you this, but the reason I didn't want to have sex was because I couldn't." James turned bright red.

"Is it me? Don't I turn you on anymore? You're gonna leave me, aren't you?"

Before I even finished I knew the words were a mistake. Fuck, just let all those insecurities show through, Hammett.

"Fuck, our relationship isn't built on just sex! For once this isn't about you. I can't get it up. I can't get hard. Willie will not rise to the occasion! I just can't right now, I'm scared. I can't focus. If I lose my eyesight I lose everything. You, the band."

Shit, open mouth, insert foot. I've been such a fucking fool.

"That's where you're wrong. You don't lose anything. You still have me, close friends who are like brothers, the band, and your music. We would work around it. If we had to, we would find a way. We always do." I guided James backwards and eased him into my arms. "I'll stick by you no matter what. Just like you stuck by me. We're in this together. I'm sorry I was focused on the sex. I was wrong, we do have so much more, and it's worth fighting for."

"You're right, we have to work this out together, once my eyesight is back, things will be back to normal." James yawned.

"I'm glad we talked." I pulled him closer and stroked his head and back until his breathing fell into a smooth deep rhythm. I knew he was asleep. We were finally talking and moving in a positive direction. For the first time in a long time I could actually see the future in a positive light.

I had to learn to keep my fears under control for this, and trust in James. That's what would get us through this. I reached for the phone on the nightstand and made a quick call to Jason telling him James would call him in the morning and how sorry I was for dragging him into all this.

Lars was still there and they were actually outside shooting hoops and laughing up a storm. Leave it to Jase not to hold a grudge for very long. Lucky for us. That still didn't let James off the hook, he had a call to make and an apology to give in-person the first thing in the morning.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~

Thank fuck this week was finally over.

It was the longest week of my life.

Not because of any more trouble with James. Quite the contrary, once James got started talking he didn't stop. He talked to me, he talked to Lars, and he talked to Jason. I'd never seen someone do such a hundred and eighty in my life. He apologized -- no really -- I'm serious. He said he was sorry to every last one of us. His attitude totally changed and he even believed he was going to come through the operation with flying colors.

We only had one more night to get through. The operation was the following afternoon. I had to get him to the hospital by seven a.m. for pre-op tests. It was going to take a while to drive to the Downey Eye Institute so we would be getting up about five. James wanted to take a nice shower and relax by going to bed early. Being the ever-faithful partner, I offered to lend him a hand so he wouldn't get the bandages wet. Besides, I love watching his naked body covered by water. Hey, I'm only human.

James stripped down to his birthday suit and I turned on the water to regulate it.

"Fucker!"

I felt James' hand on my back. "S'wrong babe?"

"Too fucking cold." I adjusted the handle and ran my hand back underneath the water. "Ah, much better."

"Thanks for helping me with this. I'm tired of baths."

I stood up and adjusted the nozzle to a hard pulse. "I don't mind. The shower's big enough for two." And what a shower it is. Eight nozzles coming from all angles, one hand held unit that you can use for massage, and other assorted pleasure things. Lord what I wouldn't give for James to let me in there with him, but I'm not going to push.

I helped him inside and instructed him to rest his hands against the wall and I would just work the pulse over his body. I grabbed the nozzle and it slipped through my fingers. "Shit, shit, shit!"

James laughed. "Got wet, huh?"

"Yeah, this isn't the easiest thing to do while dressed."

"Get naked then."

I swallowed. "You don't mind?" I pulled off my shirt and sweats, and then threw them in the corner.

"I like seeing you naked..." James voice trailed off. "Bad choice of words, huh?"

I reached in and hugged him. "You will again. I'm sure."

He hugged me back really hard. "I know I will, but in the meantime, water's getting cold again."

I hesitated only for a minute, marveling at the feeling of skin against skin. His skin against my skin. His smell...I breathed deeply and shivered slightly.

"Kirk, water... cold?"

"Oh shit, yeah. Sorry." I adjusted the temperature again and let the hot water pulse over James' taught shoulder muscles. Using my right hand I kneaded at the tense muscles and heard James sigh.

"Feels good, Hamlet."

"I aim to pleasure – um, please. I am to please."

James turned around to face me, his hand against my neck, fingers warm against my skin. "You do please me," his voiced was a deep growl.

He pulled me to him and kissed me. Not a quick peck like he had been doing all week. This one was slow and deep; I felt myself getting lost in it as his tongue slipped against mine.

My fingers trailed down his chest, across his stomach and bumped into something hard. I looked down and James' cock was hard. Oh shit! He was hard and he wanted me. Before I knew what happened, I dropped the showerhead and slipped down to my knees. I looked up at him. "Want to taste you."

James leaned his back against the wall of the shower and put his hands on either side of my head. Fuck, things were finally right and I felt at home. I ran my fingers across his thighs and teased at his balls and cock. I could feel his legs become wobbly, but I was afraid to stop. Afraid he'd change his mind. Before I talked myself out of it, I slipped my tongue between my lips and licked at the head. Christ, he tasted good.

"Feels nice," James moaned. "Make me feel good, please?"

I licked at the purpled head again and slid it between my lips. Yes, fuck, this was perfect. This was what helped me to feel whole. I could feel the pleasure I gave to him. I was in control and there was nothing in the world like that feeling. I licked and sucked as I worked his cock back and forth, using my tongue and my hand to create a wave of pleasure in James' body.

I pulled back. "Feel good?"

James nodded.

"I want to give you more. Want more?"

"More," James whispered as if he was afraid he would lose everything. Lose this time between us. It had taken him so long to be able to get here. I wanted to give him the most pleasure that I possibly could.

"For us," I whispered and moved back to licking and sucking the underside of his cock. Grazing my teeth over the head I heard James gasp in pleasure. Reaching behind James, I searched for the puckered entrance and eased my finger gently inside of him. He whimpered and his knees buckled a bit.

Swallowing deeply I worked his cock with my throat and pushed my finger in further, hitting his prostate. James yelped and came hard as I swallowed. I adjusted a bit to keep from gagging and swallowed all of his cum. Just as he finished I reached down and started to jerk myself off.

"Wait, let me." James kneeled, reached down and grasped my cock. Fuck, I saw bight lights when he wrapped his callused hand around it and moved it back and forth. I put my head against his neck and pumped along with each stroke.

"I've got you, Kirk. Let go," James whispered into my ear. A second later my orgasm slammed into me. Shit, that was so intense that it took me a few minutes to come down from the high.

When I opened my eyes again we were both sitting on the shower floor, the water and steam keeping us warm. I could have stayed like this forever.

"Kirk?"

"Hm, yeah."

"The water is turning us both into prunes."

What is it with everyone thinking of prunes lately?

"You're right. Let me soap you down and get us both tucked into bed. We have an early day tomorrow." I helped James up and finished washing both of us off and then headed out to the bedroom to dry him down. James stood with his arms outstretched like some virgin sacrifice, a huge smile plastered across his face. "You're enjoying this way too much. Aren't you?"

"What? Being waited on hand and foot? Um, yeah!"

I swatted at his naked ass and he jumped. "Lift your leg." James stepped into his shorts and I pulled them up and guided him back onto the bed. He pulled me close to him and hugged me tightly.

"Thanks for tonight."

I ran my hand through his hair. "No, thank you. I know how hard it was for you to relax and let go. I know you did it for me."

"Well, I've been thinking. You're right, we deserve some good to come out of this. That doc of Uli's is the best. I'm sure everything will be fine."

We snuggled back onto the sheets and settled against one another. "I'm glad you're being positive. Things will be all right. I'm sure of it."

"Me too."

"Kirk?"

"Yeah, James."

"You know I... um..."

"I know, love you too, babe."

"Night, Hamlet."

"Night, Mighty Hetman!"

James laughed. "Fuck you!"

"That's the next thing on my list for you to work on, just as soon as you get home and get those damn bandages off."

"You are insatiable."

"That's why you love me."

"Nope, love you cause you're you."

I squeezed him tightly. "Night"

 

~**~**~**~**~**~**~

Something rang loudly in my ear. My heart raced in my chest. That damn dream, fucking goddamn dream. Not again. Not today. It always meant trouble and there just couldn't be any trouble, not today. The ringing was the alarm clock and I pulled it out of the wall and flung it across the room.

"What good will that do?" James flinched as he heard it crash and splinter into pieces.

"Not sure, but I do feel a hell of a lot better." I pulled myself together and quickly got out of bed. I put James' clothes together as he took a piss. "I'm gonna grab something at the hospital so I don't eat in front of you."

"Thanks, that's thoughtful of you," James growled.

I leaned into the bathroom and kissed him. "Shit, that's the doorbell. I'm sure it's Uli. Clothes are on the bed. I have your overnight bag, just come out when you're ready." James nodded and I went to let Lars in.

"Hej, you both ready?" Lars followed me into the kitchen.

"Hangover, Uli?" I asked reaching for the Alka-Seltzer, two eggs and Tabasco. I mixed up my world famous cure and handed it to him.

"Am I that transparent?"

"The sun glasses and your pale skin are a dead giveaway. Drink that in one swallow."

Lars sniffed at the glass.

"Drink it, babe, don't inhale it!"

He smirked and swallowed it down in one gulp. "Kneppe, that's awful shit!"

"But you'll feel better in an hour. I need you at that hospital today. Someone has to keep me distracted."

"Hey you two. Ready to go?" James stood in the doorway.

Lars shook his keys. "Ja, let's go!"

I grabbed the keys from him and led the way out the door. "You help James. I'm driving. You can nap till we get there." No fucking way I was letting him behind the wheel. I wanted to get to the hospital in one piece.

It's a couple of hours drive to The Downey Eye Institute, which was part of St. Vincent Hospital where the surgery would be taking place. It's a private hospital located in Southern California. Since we left so early we managed to miss most of the traffic that usually ties up the highways. For a change it looked like we started out lucky. I just hoped the day would end that way.

I finally pulled up in front of the hospital jumped out to stretch and bend. My legs usually get stiff when I drive long distances. I grabbed James' stuff while Lars helped him out of the car.

Fuck, this is fancy. They have valet parking. Before I knew it, someone was handing me a ticket and pulled away in the car. From what I understood, about ninety percent of all cosmetic surgery on the elite of Hollywood was done here. We were greeted at the door by a very large, very tall, very good looking black man who informed us that his name was Devon and that he would be James' private floor nurse for his stay. He put James into a wheel chair after a minimum amount of arguing and Lars and I followed them inside.

"It's about time you fuckers got here!"

"Been here long, Jase?" I leaned over and kissed him. Ah Jason, the ever-faithful friend, I knew he would be here waiting for us.

"'Bout half hour. Bob and I were up early playing in the Chophouse. We got antsy and came down early. He's in the gift shop stocking up on snacks for James' stay."

I turned and watched Bob come toward us with his arms filled with two huge bags of snacks. "Hi Bob. You do know James is only going to be here for a day or two, right?"

"Hey guys! Yeah, I know. The snacks are for us. I hate hospital food."

Lars rolled his eyes and Jason snickered.

"Can we get the fuck where we're going?" James growled. "I'd love to have a party here in the hall but don't I need some tests?"

Devon nodded and pushed James. "I'll take him to the lab. Mr. Hammett, you can go up to the sixth floor, room six twenty eight. The nurses will have some forms for you to fill out."

"Thanks, Devon."

"James seems his usual cheery self," Bob quipped.

I laughed as I started off toward the elevator. "He's scared shitless. The success of this operation means a lot to him. He's convinced he'll have nothing if his sight doesn't come back."

We all stepped inside the elevator as it opened, Lars pulled one of the bags Bob was carrying and poked through it.

"I thought that the doctor said that he had a ninety percent chance of recovery."

"Ja, he said that. You know our James, he focuses on that ten percent. It's his way. He doesn't like not being in control," Lars said as he hit the sixth floor button.

"James is a fighter. He'll be fine." Jason looked through the other bag in Bob's arms. I watched Bob shrug and hand it to him.

The ping of the elevator and the doors opening pulled me back from my thoughts. The whole trip seemed surreal. "Sure, he's going to be fine. What was that room number?"

"Six twenty eight," Lars offered as he stuffed a Twinkie in his mouth. "Bob, did you get any Diet Coke with lemon?"

"Thanks, Uli." I turned to the nurse's station. "Excuse me, nurse. I'm Kirk Hammett. Could you please point me in the direction of room six twenty eight?"

She pointed down the hall. "Right this way at the end of the hall on the left. You can all make yourself at home until he comes up from his tests."

"All of us? Really? Aren't there rules about the number of visitors? We can wait in the waiting room." Jason asked politely.

"No, sir. This is a private hospital we don't have that rule here. You can all go down and wait, it's no problem. However, after he's out of recovery we would ask that you don't tire him out." The nurse smiled and went back to checking her charts.

We all trooped down the hall and opened the door to James' room. Fuck me, our living room didn't look this good. It had a sitting room with a large screen television, a couch and several large, plush chairs. The bed was off to the side and it was twice the size of a normal hospital bed. There were curtains and a rug on the floor. A small area with a kitchen and a sink. There were flowers and a basket of fruit on a dresser next to the bed.

"This place must cost a fortune!"

"Aren't you glad you are a multimillionaire?" Lars said as he plopped down on the couch and started playing with the remote.

"Do we really need all this?"

Lars shrugged and opened his Diet Coke with lemon. "It's the hospital Dr. Hart's works out of. I didn't know it was this fancy."

"I've never seen a hospital like this." Bob checked out the refrigerator. "Wow, it's full of soda, beer and some cold platters. We don't have it this good in the studio." I watched Lars flip Bob off.

"All I know is this doctor is the best. I don't care about all this shit." I plopped down on the couch next to Uli and felt strong hands start to massage my shoulders. I looked up to see Jason standing above me.

"Relax. Things will be fine."

"I know. I'm just tense." Boy is that an understatement. I don't think I've ever been this worried. I must have jumped a mile when the door banged open.

"Just where the fuck did that dude get his license to draw blood? He had to stick me three fucking times!"

"He's very competent, Mr. Hetfield. You kept moving."

"I did fucking not."

"He hates needles." I went over and kissed him on the cheek. "James, I'm going to sign the hospital papers for you. Okay?" He nodded. "Then we can talk for a bit."

"Actually, I need to get Mr. Hetfield prepped for surgery. He needs to be shaved and changed."

"Shaved! What the fuck?"

I watched as he patted James on the shoulder. "Relax, I'm only kidding. But I do need to get him ready. Could you all give us some time? About a half hour. You can go down to the Library or the Solarium. There is also a very good restaurant just across the street for later on. You can come back before he goes upstairs."

"I'll go give these papers to the nurse and we'll be back in a bit." I kissed James again and walked down the hall as everyone followed. I heard him give Devon grief and the big man gave it right back. I smiled knowing he was his old self and that this would be all over soon.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~

I couldn't believe I actually fell asleep. I mean, I know that I haven't been sleeping so well, but not more then a half hour from them wheeling James out the door I was out like a light. It took a while but finally the fog started to clear from my brain and I looked up and glanced at the clock. I jumped up. "Shit, is that right? Where is James?"

Jason nodded. "He's still in the OR."

"What the fuck is taking so long?" What the hell is going on?

"Come on, sit down." Lars got up and pulled me to sit next to him.

"It's taking way too long. The doctor said it would only be about four hours. It's going on six."

I saw Lars nod to Jason and watched him walk out of the door. "Where's he going?"

"The nurse came in a while back while you were sleeping. They said there were some complications."

"What the fuck? You didn't wake me?"

"Kirk, there was no reason to upset you. James was in no danger and they said that things were just going to take longer then they thought. The damage was pretty extensive," Bob said as he sat down next to me and handed me a drink.

I grabbed it and swallowed it in one gulp. "Fuck, this is vodka!" I gasped for breath. "Is there something you aren't telling me?"

"Things are fine. I just checked at the desk. The doctor has finished and will be along soon to tell you how things went," Jason said as he came back.

Things were fine. I've heard that before.

 

~**~**~**~**~**~**~

Lars was right, of course. The doctor said that the operation was more complicated than he had expected, but everything looked good.

We had been home for two days and I was just taking the last bag of shit outta the car as I talked on my cell phone to Lars.

"Shit, it's good to be home! Yeah, Uli, I'll tell him. No, I don't think me coming into the studio is a good idea, at least, not for a few days. I don't know. James has been acting funny. I think having to spend a week in the hospital was too much for him. Yeah, sure, no problem. I'm sure he's up to company. I'll see you and Jase tonight. Okay. Bye." I hung up the phone and decided to ask James if he wanted Chinese or Thai. No fucking way I was cooking.

I finished putting away the groceries and came out of the kitchen with both menu's in hand. "James, I was wondering what would you rather have, Chinese or Thai?" I looked up and was shocked to see him sitting there with a bottle of vodka in his hand. "What are you doing?"

"Having a drink. What the fuck does it look like?"

I pulled the bottle out of his hand. "You're on medication! You can't drink this on top of it."

He reached out and almost fell off of the couch. Leaning over him I helped to settle him back against the cushions. I looked up at the bottle and more then half of it was gone. "James, what the fuck are you thinking?"

"Fuck off, you aren't my mother."

"I'm not going to let you do this to yourself. I'm going to order dinner. Lars and Jase are coming over to see you."

"Don't want fucking company. Call them back and tell them not to come."

"No, I will not. I want to see them. You aren't the only one here you know."

"You saw them two days ago. Jesus Christ Kirk you think you can't survive without them."

"Enough! I'm going to order the food. I'll be right back."

I pushed through the kitchen door, and went straight to the sink and poured the rest of the bottle down the drain. Something was wrong with James. He had come out of the operation and was fine for two days. Then suddenly his entire mood changed and the hospital staff couldn't wait to get him the hell out of there.

I finished my phone call quickly and ran back into the living room. There was a loud crash while I was placing the order and I was sure James had gotten into trouble. Sure enough, there was glass all over the place and he was sitting on the floor with a large piece in his foot.

He reached up and looked like he was going to rip the bandages off of his face. I stopped him. "Don't! The doc said you have to leave them on for 4 more days. Then we can switch over to the patches and dark glasses."

He nodded and for a split second I thought I saw him reach out and go to touch my hand. Suddenly he stopped and pulled away. "Foot hurts."

 

"Just sit still and I'll get some stuff to fix that. Don't move!" I sighed and ran to the bathroom to get some peroxide and some alcohol. I wished I could see what was going on inside of that hard head of his. I had to find out what was behind this sudden change in his personality. I mean I know I'm paranoid, but James drinking on top of medication was just not like him. It was bad enough he had to take the meds for a bit longer.

I stopped off at the kitchen, grabbed a dustpan and broom, then leaned them against the couch back in the living room. "This will sting a bit. I'm gonna pull out the glass and pour some peroxide on it. Okay?"

James just nodded again. The glass wasn't in as deep as I feared and I had him bandaged and back up on the couch in a few minutes.

Sweeping up the glass I figured I had at least half an hour before the guys arrived and assumed it was now or never. "Are you going to tell me what's bothering you?"

"What the fuck's the matter with you? You're asking me directly? Not running to Jase or Lars to ask them first?"

"That's a low blow," I said as I took the dustpan into the kitchen and dumped it.

I was furious and had to clench my teeth to keep my jaw from shaking. I couldn't believe what a fucker he was being. He was goading me, but I was not going to play into it. I went back inside and took a deep breath.

"So I run to my friends sometimes. This time I'm asking you."

I guess that caught him off guard because he went silent. James was just about to open his mouth when the doorbell rang. "Must be the food," he mumbled.

"Yeah, food." I got up and opened the door. I was surprised to find not only the food, but holding it was Jason and Lars. "Hey you two. Didn't expect to see you so early."

Lars walked in and kissed me on the cheek. "Nice to see you too, Hamster!" He piled one bag into my arm while Jason handed me the other.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to sound like that."

Lars had already gone over to James and hugged him tightly. Jason joined them and I went into the kitchen to set things up.

About ten minutes later, Lars came bounding through the door and plopped himself onto the counter, tucking his feet up underneath him. "Need any help?"

"Nah, everything's ready. Did you talk to James? And get your feet off my counter." Lars unfolded himself, his feet dangled off the edge of the counter.

"Yeah, he seems to be doing really well." Lars grabbed the Lo Mein and started digging into it with his fingers. I watched him shove a long noodle down his throat. Then I handed him a fork.

"You don't think he was acting funny?"

Lars shrugged. "Seems normal to me."

"He doesn't seem drunk to you? Or angry about something?"

"This isn't turning into one of those 'something has to be wrong' feelings you get, is it? I mean give the guy a fucking break, he just got out of the hospital. You know how he hates those places. The memories are still fresh for him, with his dad."

"But does he seem drunk?" Lord, I sound like I'm looking for trouble.

"He seems fine to me. I don't think he's drunk. Go peek in the room. He's laughing and joking with Jason."

I did like Lars said. James was sitting there smiling and as happy as you please. Like nothing had happened before.

"But I took a bottle of vodka away from him before. It was more then half gone. I just don't get this."

"James gave up the hard stuff a long time ago. With the meds he's on, why would he be so stupid as to drink?"

I wasn't getting anywhere with Lars. They were all going to think I was nuts before the night was over. "Okay, enough. I'll let it go for now. But if this keeps going on, I want you to promise to talk to him for me."

Lars jumped off the counter and grabbed the one tray to carry it inside while I grabbed the second one and headed for the door.

"Tell you what. If you really think there is a problem after a few days, or I see anything myself I promise to talk to him for you. Happy?"

I nodded and pushed against the door. "Dinner!"

"Fucking great! I'm starved," James piped up cheerfully.

"How's the foot feeling?" I guess I couldn't keep the coldness out of my voice because both Lars and Jason looked at me.

"What'd you do, man?" Jason chimed in.

"I accidentally knocked over one of the vases Kirk insists on keeping around here."

"I thought you moved all of the dangerous pieces?" Lars said.

"So did I. I must have missed one." I plopped down on the couch and started eating. James was up to something and I had to find out what while not coming across as a paranoid lover.

"Kirk, got any beer?"

"Sure, in the fridge. Under the tofu."

He got up and headed for the kitchen. "Anyone else want one?"

Lars nodded and so did I. Fuck knows, I needed one. But the next statement surprised me.

"I'll have one of those light beers. You know, the fake fuckers, Jase," James smiled and turned his head in my direction. "Have to watch being on those meds, you know."

He laughed and Lars joined in with him. Sitting down next to me, Lars nudged me and said, "See, I told you nothing was wrong." Then he stuffed more food in his mouth.

The situation made no sense. In the morning I was going to call the hospital to demand they give me my old James back.

The rest of the evening went along fine. We all had a really great time talking about the tracks we were working on for the new album. We laughed and ate our fill. I was talking to Jason and laughed when there was this very loud burp from across the room.

"Lars, you are such a fucking pig," James said then burped loudly followed by Jase.

"Hey in some countries that's considered a compliment after a great meal." Lars rubbed his hand over his stomach.

"You're all pretty gross."

"Kwirk. Why don't you come into the studio tomorrow? We could really use you laying down a few tracks. It would get us back on schedule."

Lars was such a fucker. I couldn't believe he was still trying to get me to agree to go into the studio and do some work. "No, Lars I told you I'm staying home with James and that's final. Besides James needs me and --"

"I think you should go," James interrupted.

"What?" Things just did not seem to go the way I wanted them to, lately.

"I said you should go. There's no reason why Jase couldn't stay with me for a few hours while you go in and do some work. That a problem, Jase?"

"Ah," Jason looked at me and shrugged his shoulders as if to say sorry. "No, no, it's not a problem. I've laid down most of my tracks, just have some clean up work to do until we can all go in and play together."

"See. So go in and play. It will do you some good to get out and away from taking care of me."

I wondered why he picked Jason to stay with him. I guess so Lars could be the buffer between Bob and me, as usual.

"What is it with you fuckers? You aren't happy unless you're pushing me to work myself into an early grave?"

"Relax. I just thought you'd like to get out of the house a bit. You know, see something besides these four walls," Lars said, his voice held just the right amount of heart.

"Fine, I'll be in the day after tomorrow. Is everyone happy now? Look, I hate to do this but I'm tired. I think I'm gonna call it a night."

Lars and Jason got up and hugged James then Jase bent down to pick up the dishes. "Leave it. I'll get it tomorrow." He nodded and hugged me tightly.

"I'm sorry," He whispered in my ear. "If you need to talk you know how to get me." He looked in my eyes and I nodded.

I ushered him and Lars out the front door and waved to them from the porch as they pulled out of the driveway. I closed the door, made a quick sweep around the room and cleaned away the last of the dishes.

"I'm going to take a piss then bed, Kirk."

"I'll be right in. I'm just going to set these in the dishwasher. "

"Would you mind sleeping upstairs tonight?"

I almost crashed into the door at his words. I put the dishes on the counter and walked back over to him. "Why?"

"I'm just nervous about sleeping with anyone. You know, the doctor said to be careful. After all I can't risk an elbow to the head, can I? The last two nights you seemed restless. So I just feel it would be best to sleep alone till the bandages come off."

"Fine."

"Really?"

"What's the problem, you sound like you're disappointed? What the fuck do you want from me? Do you want me to argue and beg to sleep with you? Or do you really not want me in there because you're worried about my elbow crashing into your head? You're confusing the shit out of me."

"Good night, Kirk."

I watched open-mouthed as James just walked away into our -- no -- his bedroom. I flicked off the light, went upstairs, peeled off my clothes, and got into a hot shower. I stood there for a long time just trying to understand it all.

I went over the entire conversation we had with the doctor and while I remember him telling James to be careful I don't remember him saying anything about having to sleep alone. How did I get into these messes? Maybe a few days in the studio would be just the thing I need. Right now I'm way too confused to make any sense out of anything.

I turned off the shower and toweled down then jumped straight between the sheets of our old bed. It was nice to be back up here. The pillow still smelled of James and I found myself cuddling it and falling fast asleep within a few minutes. Maybe things would look brighter in the morning.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~**~

Morning came early for me. I decided to give this another try. I went downstairs and made everything the man loved to eat for breakfast. Loads of fried eggs. Lots of buttered toast, bacon, ham and pancakes. Lord knows how his cholesterol isn't in the thousands is beyond me. His is normal, mine is the one that's high.

I peeked into his room and he was lying in bed, half covered as usual. His arms and legs splayed wide as if a virgin sacrifice. I walked in and sat down next to him and ran my fingers softly across his chest. I tweaked a nipple until it formed into a hard peak. James moaned softly and his body arched into my hand. So far so good. I leaned down and licked at the peak and suddenly found myself sitting on the floor, my ears ringing.

"What the fuck?" I'm sure that was a fist to the side of my head.

"Shit! Kirk, was that you?"

"Who the fuck else would it be?" I tried to get up but fell back on my ass.

"Uh...I'm sorry. I just reacted. You took me by surprise."

"Yeah. Right. Surprise." I managed to get to my knees and pulled my body back up onto the bed. "So you thought a robber was sucking on your nipple?"

"I just didn't expect it. That's all. I mean I'm not ready to... right now the last thing on my mind is sex in any way, shape, or form."

"You could have just told me. Whapping me in the side of the head wasn't necessary."

James took my hand. "I didn't mean it. I reacted, I didn't think. I was half asleep for Christ sake."

"Look, you shower and I'll finish making breakfast. I've made everything you like."

He nodded and went to take a shower. I went to the kitchen and popped several aspirins.

I thought his shower time was on the lengthy side so I went to see what was up. Imagine my surprise when I saw him, cock in hand, jacking off. He came and his knees buckled slightly as he sagged against the wall. I could hear him whispering 'Fuck yeah!'

"I thought you couldn't even be bothered with sex right now."

I yelped as James darted out of the shower. He reached out and grabbed my shoulders, hard, as he shoved me into the tiled wall.

"James! That fucking hurts."

"I told you to get off my back! I meant it!"

"I'm not on your back. I want to know why you won't make love to me but your hand seems a fine companion."

"You're fucking paranoid. Stop spying on me." He shook me, digging his fingers into my shoulders. "Do you understand?"

I nodded, then realized he couldn't see me. "Yeah, I understand. Let go. It hurts."

He released me but not before shoving me into the wall again. "Don't you have to be at the studio?"

"I'm not going until tomorrow."

James groped for the towel on the counter so I picked it up and handed it to him. He pulled it away harshly.

"I can find my own shit."

"After you eat I need to change your bandages."

"Yeah, right. Go on, I'll be out in a minute."

I pushed against the wall and hurried past him. I guess I shouldn't have sneaked up on him like that. James had never done anything like that to me before. I hurried out to the kitchen and set the table. I wasn't very hungry so I poured myself some coffee and waited for him to come out.

Sitting there, I realized there was no real fucking excuse for what James was doing to me. He wouldn't get away with this. He walked into the room and sat down.

"Hungry, James?"

"Yes."

I pushed myself out of the chair right into his face. "Well if you _ever_ fucking touch me like that again you'll be fending for yourself for the duration. Do not, ever, raise a hand to me or that cock you were favoring might just find itself very lonely. Do I make myself clear?" I went to get his plate and plopped it down in front of him.

"Here! Coffee at twelve o' clock."

He nodded and ate. Didn't say one fucking word about what I said to him. I knew one thing's for sure, I was not about to let him work me into a state of fear. Not in my own home. Anything else we could work on later.

The rest of the day James didn't say a damn word to me. He asked me to take him down into the studio after dinner and locked the door behind me. So I went back upstairs and started a mini-marathon of horror flicks. The Creature From the Black Lagoon, The Mummy, and The Blob. It was a cheesy horror triple-feature and I was in heaven losing myself for a few hours. It must have been nearly nine when I heard him call my name.

"Kirk would you mind bringing me upstairs?"

"Sure, no problem." I went downstairs and led him back up after checking that he had turned off everything in the studio.

"Are you hungry?"

"No, I'm tired. Gonna go to bed."

"You can't avoid me forever. You know that."

"I don't want to talk about this. Goodnight!"

"I'll see you for dinner after the studio tomorrow?"

"Jason and I are going to go out tomorrow. Don't wait up for us."

"Out? Where?"

"Just out. What's with the twenty questions?"

"Fine, I'll see you when you get home then."

"Whatever, goodnight." James felt along the wall as he walked into the bedroom.

That's it. I just didn't know what to do anymore. So I decided I'd call the doctor. James had to be pushing me away for a reason. I needed to know if he knew something I didn't. I looked at my watch. Fuck, it's 9:30. Well he did say if I ever needed anything. I went to my wallet on the side table and pulled out his card.

"Doctor Hart? This is Kirk Hammett."

"Yes, Kirk. How is James doing? Is anything wrong?"

"Well that's why I'm calling, Doctor. James is acting, well, he's acting different. Was there anything that you may have told him?"

"But not told you?"

"I'm just wondering if something went wrong with the operation and maybe that could explain why James has been so jumpy and different."

"I didn't tell James anything that I haven't already told you. This has been a difficult time for a man as strong as James. Perhaps being so helpless has taken a bit of a toll on him. Hang in there, the bandages come off next week."

"You're right, Doctor. I'm sorry I bothered you at home."

"Nonsense. I told you and James that either of you could call me anytime. Why don't you have James give me a call? Maybe I can help to alleviate his fears."

"Thank you, Doctor. I think that may help. I'll mention it to him.

"Good. You take care now. Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

Doctor Hart was right. I'd have to mention to James that giving him a call might help put his fears to rest. I just hope he took it the right way. Peeking into his room, I saw that he wasn't in bed. I looked around and found him standing near the window.

"You called Doctor Hart. Didn't you?"

I walked into the room. This wasn't good if James was eavesdropping on my phone calls. "Yes. I'm worried about you and..."

He pounded the window and it rattled. "Damnit! Why are you always prying? Stop it. Stop babying me. Stop doing for me. I can take care of myself. Don't call the doctor again. Understand me?"

I should have told him the reason I called is because I didn't understand him lately. "I care about you. He said you should give him a call if anything is worrying you."

"The only thing that's worrying me is you and your obsessing."

"So, you mean to tell me you think you're acting like yourself? Drinking, lying, hiding things from Lars and Jason. Making me think I'm the crazy one."

"I'm tired and I'm going to bed."

"I'm never going to get anything out of you am I? Fine, goodnight." I left him standing there and went upstairs to sleep. Rubbing my temple as I climbed the stairs. Fuck, I felt old and tired lately. I really needed to get back into my yoga routine. I'm actually looking forward to getting into the studio.

~**~**~**~**~**~

"Kirk! Wake the fuck up!"

Banging and more banging.

Why the fuck won't they let me sleep? Goddamn assholes. I pulled myself out of bed, went down the steps and jerked the front door open.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"Morning to you too, Sunshine."

"Look, Lars, what the fuck time is it?" He bounded past me tossing an apple in the air stopping just short of the kitchen.

"It's after eleven. You were supposed to be in the studio at nine."

"Fuck. Where's James and Jason? Why didn't they wake me?"

"Jason picked up James at eight. They headed over to the Chophouse to work on some shit." Lars shrugged. "I talked to Jase. James told him you were awake already, but Bassman thought I should check on you anyway."

"Fucker!"

"You two fight again?"

I nodded.

"Look, go upstairs and shower. I'll make some coffee and we can head off to the studio. Bob was delayed this morning so it's really no big deal."

"Fine." I did as I was told and showered quickly, throwing on my tartans and a t-shirt. Running my fingers through my hair I barreled down the stairs, and grabbed the cup of coffee out of Lars' hand. "I can't believe James did this. He was hellfire and brimstone to get me out of the house. Then he fucks around. He must be really pissed that I called the doctor."

"You called the doctor?"

"Last night. I was worried that maybe the doctor told him something that he didn't tell me."

"You went behind his back?"

"It wasn't like that. The doctor said to give him a call if there were any questions."

Lars smirked at me.

"I had a question." I tried to take a sip of the coffee and burned my tongue. "Fuck!"

"You told James you were going to call then?"

"No. He had gone to bed already." I started blowing on the steaming mug. "Gee, I thought you were on my side."

"So instead of asking James if the doctor said anything, you didn't trust him so you called the doctor yourself."

"It's not like that. You're twisting things around."

Lars held his hands up in surrender. "I'm just giving you another opinion. You always harp about him needing to trust you. You would think you would trust him."

"I tried to talk to him first. If he would talk to me I wouldn't have to go to others."

"You didn't tell him you called the doctor?"

"Not directly." I sipped at the steaming mug.

"Then how did he know you called?"

"He listened in on my phone call."

Lars shook his head. "You two are acting like children."

I slammed the mug down on the coffee table. "Let's get the fuck out of here I need to pound on some strings."

Lars followed me out of the house and we got into his car and he tore down the road heading for the new studios. It's really nice to have our own fucking place to lay down the tracks in. No deadlines to worry about. No other bands breathing down our neck for studio time.

"Building our own studio was the best idea you ever had, Lars."

"I think I've had others. You know I talked to James for you the other day. I didn't go into anything specific, but I did ask him if anything was bothering him."

"What did he say?"

Lars rolled his eyes. "Give me a minute. I didn't want him to know we had been talking so I said I noticed a few things and I was wondering if there were any problems between you two."

"And?"

"And he said that everything was fine. There were no problems. He just needed some time to adjust. That everything would be soon be back to normal."

"Adjust? I wonder what he means by adjust."

Lars shrugged and pulled into the studio gates. "Not really sure. I assumed that he meant once the bandages were off and he could see again."

"You're probably right. Let's go kick some ass on this record!" I got out of the car and walked into the studio. For once I didn't feel like arguing with Lars. Something really was up and now I'm sure of it. Besides lying to me, James was even lying to the others. I was determined to find a way to prove it without coming across as a paranoid lover.

~!~ ** ~!~ ** ~!~

Before I knew it we were back in Lars' car and on our way back to my house. I had closed my eyes and leaned against the headrest. Lars popped in the tape from today's tracks. I just let the music take over.

"Fuck me, Kirk! I don't know what's gotten into you, but whatever it is you better hold on tight to it."

I smiled. "Yeah, it did kick ass, didn't it."

"Kusse, you even left Bob speechless! That's never happened before."

I hadn't felt this good in a long time. "Don't I know it! That was probably some of the best shit I've ever laid down."

"Well make sure you hold onto that feeling inside you. At this rate we'll have all your shit on tape before you know it. Think of the money and time that'll save us."

"Leave it to you to think of the money aspect." I rolled my eyes. At least I could always depend on Lars to be tried and true character wise. It was a comfort zone for me.

I laughed.

"What?"

"Did you see the look on Bob's face when we got the lead for 'Ambition' down in one take?"

"You mean the one where his mouth hung open and flapped up and down like a big flounder?" Lars laughed.

I grinned. "That's the one." Lars pulled up to the house. I noticed the lights were out and Jason's car wasn't in the driveway. "Thanks for the ride home. And thanks for being there for me today."

"Anytime!" Lars slapped me on the arm.

"It looks like James isn't home yet."

Lars glanced at his watch. "It's still early. Jaybone is a madman when he gets started in the studio. I'm sure he's taking full advantage of James."

"Are you going out tonight?"

 

"Bobby and I are on for a late dinner. Would you like to go with us?"

"Nah, tell Kid I said hi. I'm gonna make something green to eat and then go to bed."

I got out and went around to the driver side window. "Same time tomorrow?"

"I'll pick you up at nine. I want to spend some time at the club before we go into the studio tomorrow. I need to talk to Nick about setting up another chat. The fuckers at the club are yapping for us to make an appearance again."

"I'll be ready." I waved as Lars pulled away and turned to walk up the steps to the house. I hated coming home to a dark place. I'd forgotten to turn on the night switch before I left.

I walked up the steps then opened the door. I flipped on the light switch as I bent down and picked up the mail. Bills, bills. Yeah I could have someone take care of this shit for me but I like dealing with my own stuff. What's was this? It's addressed to James. I flipped over the envelope "Hm, who's Tom Franklin?" That name sounded familiar to me, but for the life of me I couldn't place it. I tossed them all on the table, eyed the message machine – and flicked it on. There was a message from Mom but nothing that needed my immediate attention. More importantly, no message from James. I rubbed my eyes and headed off to the kitchen to have something to eat.

I found myself staring into an open fridge for about ten minutes. I glanced at the clock - it was eleven. I slammed the door shut and headed upstairs. I was sure Jason would help James inside and I'd be damned if I waited up for him like a schoolgirl. So I grabbed a shot of absinthe and toddled off to bed. Before I knew it I was sound asleep and actually slept through the night. If James had come home I never even heard him.

I had set the alarm before bed and it went off bright and early at eight A.M. So I showered and got myself ready. Lars would be there soon and I wanted to eat something before we left.

Fuck, the phone was ringing. I grabbed a towel and headed out to the bedroom. Dripping wet, I grabbed the phone. I needed to install one in the damn bathroom.

"Hello?"

"I'm on my way. You up?"

I stopped toweling my hair. "Yup. Just gonna grab an omelet. Want one?"

"Sounds good. No onions in mine!"

"Don't worry! You eat way too many of them anyway!" I hung up and tossed the phone on the bed. I dressed quickly then headed downstairs figuring I would look in on James and ask him if he wanted any breakfast.

As I headed down the stairs the front door opened and James and Jason walked inside. "Hey you two. Off early again?"

"Actually, we're just coming in." James said. "Fuck I gotta piss!" He headed off toward the bedroom.

"Just coming in, Jase?"

"Yeah. We went to dinner after messing at the Chophouse and ran into Toby, Nick and Paul Anderson. We all went back to my place and all wound up crashing there, but you should know all this."

"I should?" Why the fuck would I know what happened?

"James called you and left a message. He did it right in front of me."

"There's the machine. There is no message from James on it."

"Why the fuck would he pretend to call you?"

"Did you tell him he should call me?"

"Yeah, but I..."

"He probably wanted to make you happy, but was still pissed at me."

"Fuck, I'm sorry man I should have called you myself."

"This isn't your fault. You couldn't have known what he was doing." I looked up. James had come back into the room.

"Jase, just make yourself at home. I'll be right out after I shower and then we can head to the studio. I can't wait to show you the old Rickenbacker I found."

"Didn't you call Kirk last night and tell him you were staying at my place?"

"What kind of a question is that? You know I did. You were right there."

"It wasn't on the machine." I probably shouldn't have said that.

James walked over and felt for the machine. He pushed the button rewinding the messages and the first one that played was from him. Shit!

He walked back into the bedroom. "I'll be right out, Jase."

"'Kay, man."

I walked over to the machine and pushed the stop button. "That was not there yesterday. I played it as soon as I got in, Jase."

"Look, maybe you missed it."

"No. I know it wasn't there. The first message was from my mom. I remember it distinctly. I'll be right back."

I walked into the bedroom and James was already changing his clothes. "How'd you do it, James?"

He grinned and slipped a T-shirt over his head. "Think about it Kirk. It's pretty simple."

Well at least he wasn't denying he did something funny. I thought about it for a second and realized what he had done. " You hit the redial after you recorded the message and keyed in the playback code."

"Bingo! No point in getting Jase involved in our problems. So I figured I would fake calling. This way he wouldn't nag me about calling you all night. Worked too. Did you miss me?"

I wanted to wipe the smirk off of his face. "Nope. Didn't even realize you weren't here." I didn't bother to stay and see if he was still smirking. I just walked out of the room and into the living room in time to see Lars stroll through the door. He gave Jason a quick hug and smiled at me.

" Lars. We're late," I said, while quickly gathering up my keys.

"But I thought you said..."

"I said we could catch breakfast at the diner before we hit the studio. So let's go. See you later, Jase."

I grabbed Lars' hand, pulled him out the door and all the way to his car. "You drive," I ordered.

"I think I'd better," Lars said as he watched me walk around to the passenger side of his car.

"What?" I snapped at him.

He got in and I followed suit.

"What was that all about?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Yeah fucking nothing! You know I'm tired of telling you and Jase something is wrong and James just keeps twisting things around making me look like a fucking fool."

"What else has he done now?"

Now that was an odd question. What did Lars know that he wasn't telling me? I told him about the phone machine and the set up with Jason. "So now tell me what you know."

"Huh? What I know?"

"Don't bullshit me! What do you know that you aren't telling me?"

"It might be nothing, but you know Wendy Avery. She's the woman who sold my house not too long ago."

"Yeah."

"He called her and asked if there was anything available in your old neighborhood."

"How the fuck did you manage to find that out?"

"Remember when Kid and I were out to dinner? We ran into her at Palmers. She mentioned that he called and said he was looking for a place. Has he mentioned anything to you about looking for a place?"

"No, not at all. Do you think he's planning on leaving me?"

"I think you're right that something is bothering him and I'll talk to him. But it has to seem like it's not set up. If James feels backed into a corner he's not going to talk. Even to me."

I nodded. "Thanks, I appreciate it."

"Not a problem. And you're coming with Christy and me to dinner tonight."

"Actually, I'm supposed to meet Devon tonight for dinner."

"How is your brother?"

"He's doing well. His wife is pregnant. I'm gonna be an uncle."

Lars slapped me on the shoulder. "Congratulations! Mom leaked the info huh?"

"Yeah! She can never keep a secret."

The rest of the ride was in silence. I didn't know exactly how I should have felt about all this. I was relieved that Lars finally was putting stock into what I was saying. I was angry that it took so long for him to believe me, and most of all I was panicked that James was possibly considering moving out. Trouble is, with all this stuff hitting me from different directions I just felt numb.

Before I knew it the rest of the day had passed and Lars was dropping me off outside Mason's. I was supposed to meet my brother there but, as usual, I was late. Having to rely on Lars for getting anywhere meant one arrived way beyond what was socially acceptable. I guess I didn't do so badly I was only an hour late. I walked inside and went over to the woman doing the seating. She quickly ushered me to a quiet spot in the back of the restaurant.

"Hey, Devon! I'm sorry I'm late, man!"

"Lars?"

"You know it. I should have never rode with him to the studio." I sat down and sipped at the drink my brother had ordered for me.

"Normally it wouldn't be a problem, but bro, I have to leave! Stacy called. She isn't feeling so well. So I ate and ordered for you. Your diner will be out in a minute."

"Man, I fucked up. I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, baby bro! Don't sweat it, Unc!"

"Unc?" I smiled broadly. I wanted to make this look good. "Are you trying to tell me something?"

"Mom told you didn't she?"

I smiled. "You know how well she keeps secrets. But fucking congratulations, man." I pulled him into a hug. "This is awesome news."

"We want you to be godparents. Both you and James."

"I'm sure the church will go for that."

"They don't have a choice. It's what we want. Besides our pastor has no problem with it."

"We'd...I'd be honored. We can tell James after he gets the bandages off. I'm sure he'll feel the same way." The waiter brought over my dinner.

"Great, look I'm sorry I have to go."

"No problem. I'll eat, then catch a cab or see if Lars is around for a ride."

Devon hugged me, then got up and left. I started eating my dinner and casually glanced around the restaurant. I didn't like being noticed but I did like to people watch whenever I could. It's amazing what people will do out in public. Like those two guys kissing in the corner. That's something you wouldn't have seen much ten years ago. Now it's commonplace.

I blinked and looked again. Fuck, it may be commonplace, but when one of those guys is James there better be a fucking good explanation for it. I watched for a few minutes and relaxed a bit when James' brother walked over and sat down at the table. Well at least I know how James got to the place. Maybe I misread what happened. It looked like a friendly peck. It was probably nothing. Right? So then why did I run? I got up, tipped the waiter and quietly walked right out of the place.

I knew by the time the cab dropped me off I was acting stupid. I didn't want to face James in the restaurant and accuse him of anything. I figured the best thing to do would be to call his brother and ask him what was going on. This way I could avoid James and a confrontation. I phoned Eric and asked him who was at dinner with them tonight. It was my first big mistake.

Eric told me that it was an old friend of theirs from school, Tom Franklin. I remembered that name -- It was on the letter addressed to James. He said he was in from England and stopped by before he had to fly home.

I was really surprised when he told me that he thought there was something up with James so I decided to tell Eric what was going on. I told him everything. My second mistake was that I didn't realize that James was still with Eric. After they dropped Tom at the airport Eric read him the riot act.

James had called me and I could hear Eric yelling at him on the cell phone. I just hung up and waited to see what would happen once James came home. He finally walked through the door at around ten.

"James, I need to..."

"I don't want to hear it, Kirk."

"But..."

"You were spying on me again, weren't you?"

"No...I..."

"Look, it's over." He reached around to the desk and felt for my keys.

"I can explain."

"I don't give a shit. I want you out of here, do you understand?" James grabbed my arm and shoved my car keys into my chest. "Just get the fuck out."

"But James. This doesn't make any sense. At least tell me why. You owe me, no, you owe us that."

"I don't owe us anything. I don't owe you anything. You had to involve my brother didn't you? Fuck me! None of you understand. I'm the only one who matters now. Just get the fuck out! I'm tired of you spying on me. "

"I wasn't spying on you. I went to dinner with my brother. I didn't know you would be at the same restaurant."

"Bullshit. I just don't care anymore. Just get the fuck out!"

"Your eyes. What will you do?"

"Don't worry, I'll have my eyesight back tomorrow. You don't have to concern yourself about me any longer."

He pushed me out and slammed the door in my face. I just stood there, unable to move. I leaned my cheek against the door as I tried the handle. I could hear things smashing inside, but there was nothing I could do. I went to my car and did the only thing left to me now.

"Come on, Uli. Pick up!" Fuck, where the hell is he? His cell never rings more then three times.

"Yeah, Kirk what's up? I fucking love caller ID."

"Uli, it's time for you to keep your promise to me. You have to talk to James."

"Kirk, I'm out with Christy. We're having dinner."

"I'm sorry but you have to go to the house _tonight_. James threw me out."

"He what?"

"Fucker told me to leave. Actually pushed me out the goddamn door and locked it. No matter what a prick he's become I can't leave him there alone. Besides it would be the perfect chance for you to see what the hell is going on in his head."

"All right, I'll drop Christy off and head on over to your place. You can go to my house. You still have the keys and you know the code."

"I'm on the way to mom's place. I owe her a visit. I figured it would give you enough time to get James to calm down. I'll be heading home after that, but it will be pretty late. I'll be fucked if he's gonna keep me out of my own house."

"Well if you're sure. Wait, my other line is ringing. Hold on."

Christ. This was just getting more and more complicated. I didn't think James would ever come clean about what's going on. Uli is my last hope.

"Kirk?"

"Yeah."

"You aren't going to believe this, but that was James."

"It was?"

"Ja, he wants me to come over. Said he needs to talk about something that's been bothering him for a long time."

"This is great, Lars!"

"It is?"

"Sure. He's finally going to tell you what's going on. I actually feel a little better now."

"You know I just want to help no matter what."

"I know. You're a good friend. To both of us, Lars."

"Ja, well Christy says you both owe us dinner on another night."

"Hey, tell Christy its La Petite on me when this all works out." I could hear him cover the phone and mumble something in the background.

"She said you're on! Do you want me to ring you when we're done?"

"No, I'll just be in late. Leave the door open for me and don't let James know we talked. Okay? And don't tell him I'm coming home either."

'Sure, don't worry. I'll take care of things. See you later."

"Thanks Lars. I owe you one!"

"Ja you do! Now let me get going. I'll see you later."

"Bye!" Fuck, this might actually be easier then I thought. I pulled into Mom's driveway feeling a hell of a lot lighter. As I parked and got out of the car I could hear Mom yelling 'Quirky, my baby' from the porch. I just hope I'll leave feeling as good.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~

~Lars ~

"James, I'm here! Where the fuck are you?" The place looked normal, but it's way too quiet. Even Disco isn't here. "Fuck what the hell?" I bent down and picked up the glass that was embedded in my shoe. Looks like James may have had a bit of a fit but who the hell cleaned it up?

"Right here." James walked out of the kitchen. "Christy mad?"

"Nope. She's used to you guys already. You do owe us dinner out one night."  
James raised his glass of beer. "No problem."

"So you said you wanted to talk. What's up? Where's Kirk? Disco and the brats?"

"I sent Disco, Darla and Hoku over to Jason's for a few days. You just missed Jason he just left. I have some drinks in the kitchen. Did you bring the pie?"

Okay so that covers the dogs and the food. Why the hell isn't he telling me where Kirk is?

"Yeah two. One plain, and one with the works - extra anchovies. Where's Kirk?"

"Get the glasses and plates, we can talk in here."

I gave up and go got the glass he set out for me. There was a bottle of open red wine sitting on the counter. I scooped that up along with another bottle of his beer and brought everything inside. Kirk is right. James isn't acting right. If I give him some space he just might open up.

"So, like I said where's Kirk?" So much for giving him some space. I poured myself a glass of wine and sniffed it, taking in the bouquet. Nice. Kirk must have picked this one out.

"You mean you haven't talked to him?"

Stuffing a slice in my mouth and chewing a bit I realized it was probably best to come clean to him. "Okay then, you want to tell me why you threw him out?"

"Are you drinking your wine?"

"Ja. It's good. Kirk picked this one out?" I poured myself another glass.

"No. It's one that Bob recommended to me. Has a nice fruity flavor. There are two bottles. I opened them both for you."

"I noticed. You want a glass? Or are you expecting someone else? I'll never finish both of these."

"No. I'll stick to the beer, thanks."

"Well?"

"Kirk and I are through."

"Through?" I almost choked on my wine. I guess things were as bad as Kirk said. Finally, I'm getting some details. I take another drink and pour some more wine. "Do you want to explain why?"

"He's just been acting strange lately."

"He has?" Okay this is a case of the kettle calling the pot fucking strange or whatever that fucking saying was. "What do you mean strange?"

"We've just grown apart and it seems like he can't face it."

"Grown apart? You two are so fucking close it could almost be considered sickening. Fuck, is it hot in here?"

"No. I feel fine."

"Can I put up the air?"

"Sure."

I hopped up and flicked the controls lower and heard the hum of the air conditioner click on. I went back to the couch, tripped down the one fucking step and spilled some wine all over my shirt.

"You okay, Lars?"

"Ja...ja fine. I just tripped that's all. Fuck, spilled wine all over my shirt too." I pulled it off, wiped up the rest off of my chest, and sat back down refilling my glass. "So tell me. You have no idea why Kirk is acting like he is. You haven't been drinking or fighting with him?"

"Have you seen me drunk in the last few weeks?"

"No. You're always sober when I come over."

"Have you seen me get loud with him?"

"No. I haven't seen it, but Kirk doesn't lie. What would he have to gain by lying?"

"He'd have you on his side."

"That is a point. Kirk did that the last time his disorder flared up, but that was years ago."

"He makes things up. Just like back then. I think he believes they really are happening."

"He did say you threw him out. Was that a lie?"

"I did ask him to leave. I think it's for the best he go now before things get so bad I can't work with him."

"James you two are married. I know it's not recognized everywhere, but you exchanged vows. This is about a hell of a lot more then just the band."

"He's acting odd and I think it's because I've told him something and he can't handle it."

I know James is talking to me now I can see his lips moving. But his words aren't really getting through to my head. For some damn reason I feel like I've been on a three day drinking binge.

Kusse, I felt funny. I slapped him on the leg. "Come on now Jamesy boy you can tell ol' Lars what's eating you. Besides Kirk that is..."

Fuck, did I just say that? What the hell is going on with me?

"Lars, are you okay?"

"How much did I drink?" I picked up the bottle on the tray and knocked it over. Well that one was empty.

"Only a bottle and a half. Why?"

"Dunno. Don't feel so well."

"Is Kirk coming home tonight?"

"Ja, he said he would. Why?" Was I supposed to tell James that?

"Let me help you to the bedroom. Lars you can rest there."

I felt James' strong-arms under mine and I think I'm walking.

"Rest?" I'm supposed to be helping him and here he's taking care of me. "No, have to talk. Fix this."

"Yeah we can talk more later."

I felt myself sitting on the edge of the bed and I know that I kicked off my shoes and went to push back against the sheets.

"Take off your pants, Lars."

"Huh? Why?"

"Your pants--off." I nod and unhooked the button and pulled down the zipper but that was as far as my hands would work. "James, you're all blurry."

"I'll get you glasses. Now lie back."

"Trying to get me into bed, pikslikker?"

"Actually I am."

"Jamesy?" I could feel his hands pulling off my jeans.

"Yes?"

"What did you tell Kirk that got upset him?"

"I told him I was in love with you."

"Huh? Thought you said love me you did."

"Yeah, Yoda. I did."

I felt James crawl into bed next to me. I could feel his skin against mine. He was naked too. "Not good."

I felt his lips against mine. Oh Christ no! Fuck no! "James..."

"Shhhh," James whispered. "I love you, Lars."

Please no. Not happening. I heard love and Lars those were the last things I heard before everything turned off and I felt myself drowning in darkness, panic and my screams.

~**~**~**~**~**~**~

Thank fuck! I was only there for a few hours and Mom and I actually had a good time for a change. She didn't browbeat me about wanting grandchildren, and even asked how James was doing. She also suggested adoption, something positive for a change. Sometimes she surprised even me. What surprised me even more was that I agreed to actually bring it up to James if I could ever figure out what was going on with him.

I smiled as I put the key in the door. Lars' car was still here. He must have decided to stay the night once it got too late. It was probably for the best, because I could talk to him in the morning and won't have to wait to find out what happened.

I stretched then tossed the keys on the table near the door. The lights were out so I flicked on a small light in the hallway. I could walk this hall blindfolded now and laughed at the irony of it all. James and I could both get around with our eyes closed and tomorrow we'll both be able to get back to normal once his bandages come off.

The more I thought about things tonight I realized that all this shit is just from worry like before the operation. I just couldn't understand why. The doctor said everything would be all right. So I just don't get James actions, but I'm sure once the bandages come off things will be better.

I walked to our bedroom door – we always left it slightly ajar. Reaching for the handle, I slowly pushed it open. Something just didn't feel right and my heart grew cold at what's faced me.

No, this is impossible.

Blinking my eyes, they finally adjusted a little better to the darkness.

No.

I...I have to go.

Have to get out of here.

The air was suddenly very warm and it was hard to breathe.

I backed slowly down the hall and bumped into the wall. My eyes were riveted on the site before them. I just can't tear them away from. Both of them, lying there -- together. James' arms wrapped tightly around Lars. Lars cuddled against him like he's always belonged there. The sheet pulled down, just barely covering their hips, both of them naked.

A sob escaped my lips as I stared at the door to our bedroom. I just couldn't seem to hold it back. I was hoping my eyes were playing tricks on me, but no. It was the both of them, lying there on stained sheets.

Have to get out of here.

I felt my way down the hall, pressed tightly against the wall until I hit the table near the door. Grabbing my keys I look back one final time and lifted my hand to wipe the warm tears that spilled across my cheeks.

I had to stop.

Men don't cry.

Father said so.

I had to go.

Had to get out of there.

I slammed the door behind me and ran blindly down the steps. I fumbled with my keys but finally got back into the car and drove out of the driveway.

I needed some clothes. Had to get away.

I could go to Jason's. He'd help me.

No. Don't involve him.

It wouldn't be good.

James would blame him.

Instead I drove toward the mall. It would be opened in a few hours. I could grab some clothes, a bag and go.

Things were going to be ok.

I was going to be okay.

I needed time.

Time.

I was alone.

Fuck, what was I going to do now?

&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;

James was sure he heard Kirk sob and as he ran from the house. It was finally over.

"What have I done?" he whispered into the darkness. It took a long time but he finally let sleep take him again. He hoped he could face everything in the morning.

&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;

~Lars~

"Kneppe! What the fuck? Who put the damn fucking cymbal's in my head?" And the cotton in my mouth for that matter. I couldn't have drank that much last night. I rubbed at my head, trying to open my eyes.

"Shut up, Uli. You're way too damn loud in the morning."

My eyes shot open. "James?"

I looked around the room. I wasn't home, or in Kansas with Auntie Em. Nope, this was still James' house. Gid satan havde det! It was his bed!

"What the fuck am I doing in your bed?" Something wasn't right here. I felt odd, so I lifted the covers. "Why am I fucking naked in your bed?"

"You spent the night," James said calmly. Shit, the fucker didn't even roll over.

I ran my fingers over my tacky chest. What the fuck is this sticky...oh shit! "So, let me get this straight. I'm sitting here naked, in your bed. We obviously slept together, and oh, one more thing. Is this your cum I'm covered in, malerhjerne?"

James turned around and reached for me. "Yes, let me explain."

"Don't you fucking touch me. Det rager mig en skid!"

"English, Lars!"

I banged my head. Shit, think in English, Lars! Fuck, I can't think. "I don't give a fuck about your explanations!"

I shot out of the bed and ran my fingers down the crack of my ass, probing gently at the pucker. If James did something at least it didn't hurt. Kusse, I didn't remember a damn thing, exactly what had that fucker done to me?

"Looking for something?"

How on earth did he know what I was doing? Fucker couldn't even see. "Ja, how did you know?"

"I know you better then you know yourself."

I started to tremble. "Did you? Did we? Oh Lord, did I?"

"Relax, Lars."

Yeah you fucking relax, dick. Fuck, I just wanted to kill him. "Relax! James you know I'm not into that shit. I mean I'm fine with you and Kirk being a couple and all. Plus, I did give one or two blowjobs in my younger, drunker days, but...but I like women. Not men! I mean the thought of your dick up my ass. Oh Fuck, shit, damndamndamn. This isn't good!"

Did I just fuck my best friend? My best MALE friend? What would Kirk say? Kirk, oh God, Kirk! Where the hell was he? He was supposed to come home last night.

James moved to the edge of the bed. I yelped and instinctively pushed myself back against the wall.

"Lars, calm down."

" Skrub af! gå ad helvede til." Shit, English! "Fuck off! How can you say calm down? I'm a God damn fag, and I never knew it!"

Shit, those words seemed to hit James hard. Even behind the bandages I could tell his face just fell and he looked awful. I finally took a deep breath, sat down on the edge of the bed and rested my head in my hands.

James sighed and moved next to me. He rested his hand on my knee. I flinched. "I'm really sorry, James I didn't mean that crack about being a fag. You know how I really feel. I'm a live and let live kinda guy, this is just all such a shock, that's all."

"Fuck, I just can't do this. Lars, you aren't gay, and we didn't do anything."

I looked at James and just blinked. What the fuck was he saying? Not gay? Didn't do anything?

I started to think about everything that had happened over the past few weeks. Kirk saying that James was drinking all the time. James conveniently sober whenever we were around. Him lashing out at Kirk and pushing him away. Almost hitting him when none of it seemed to work. Slowly things started to sink in, and I almost wished I were gay rather then the scenario that was becoming clear.

"You gave me something didn't you?"

James nodded. "My friend Tom Franklin is a doctor. I told him I was having some trouble sleeping and he gave me a prescription for a sedative."

"We staggered in here and then you jerked off on me so Kirk would see us in bed together? Did I leave anything out?"

"No, I'd say you got it all." James looked like shit, and I say the pikslikker deserved it.

"You did this to me, so Kirk would leave you? You cunt ødelægge, spolere. How could you do this too him? You not only fuck with your relationship with him, but ruin his and mine as well!"

"He'll forgive you eventually, he always does. There is something between you two that no matter what you do he forgives you. Just like you always forgive me."

"Bullshit, James we never did anything like this to each other! I would never do this to him or you. Never! I'm never going to forgive you for this--this betrayal. Even though we didn't do anything you betrayed my trust. Kirk's trust! How the fuck can you be so sure he will forgive me, you pikslikker! How could you even take that chance? Wait, are you sure he even saw us?"

"I made sure. I was awake when he came in."

"How could you do this to him? To me? To us? I thought we had a better relationship then this. You fucking used me!"

"You're lucky I even told you what happened. I planned to just let you think we fucked. I had every intention of going through with this all the way." James hung his head. "It's just I couldn't do that to you. You're right, our relationship means a fucking lot to me. Besides I don't feel that way about you. I just couldn't keep up the charade. I'm sorry."

"Sorry? You're sorry? You're totally pathetic! How could you do this? I mean forget about our relationship right now. What about your relationship with Kirk? Can you imagine the pain he's going through right now?"

"Just get the fuck out, Uli! It's over."

I couldn't hold my anger in anymore and I reached out and slapped him hard. He didn't move or even flinch. "I'd love to leave, but you have a doctor's appointment. The bandages come off today. After they do you owe me the full explanation about all this."

"Just get out. I'm not going to the doctor."

"Why not?"

"I'll pull the fuckers off later on myself. The Doctor said the operation probably wasn't a success. He said so the day after the surgery. "

"What? From what he told me you needed the two weeks healing time before he would know anything for sure, but he was totally optimistic."

"Dunno, but I heard him say to the nurse I'd need a miracle."

"You asshole!" I thought about all that had happened and how James' mind worked. He was trying to be noble, make things easy for Kirk in his warped twisted way.

"So that's why you've been such a dick to Kirk. You wanted to drive him away. Why, so you wouldn't be a burden?"

James nodded. "He deserves better then to be tied to a blind man the rest of his life. I don't need anyone's pity."

"You're a fucking fool, James. All you've ever had was his love. His support. It's all he ever wanted to give you." This fucking asshole was going to pay for what he did.

"He's been through enough shit in his life. He deserves happiness. I don't want his old problems coming back because he's saddled with me."

"You may have created a shitload of new ones for him. You don't really know him, do you?"

"What?"

"He's a lot fucking stronger then..." I was interrupted by the phone ringing. I grabbed for it before James could. "Hello?"

"Ah, Lars, you're still there. Good. I was hoping you'd answer."

"Kirk, thank fuck. I have to..."

"Look, I don't have much time. I'm going away for a while. My plane is boarding soon..."

"Kirk!"

"I just wanted you to know, so you don't worry. I need some time."

"Kirk, wait, I need to tell you something..."

"You don't have to. I know about you and James, and it's fine. I just need to get away for a while."

"But..."

"I'll call Jase and let him know where I am. If there is band business, you can contact me through him."

"Wait there's been a misunderstanding..."

"Lars, I can compete with a lot of things in James life. His anger, his blindness, but I can't compete with you. Tell James I'll send someone for my stuff in a few weeks."

"Kirk, please..."

"Gotta go, Uli. Take care of him. Bye." The phone went dead.

"Fuck!" The one time in my life I needed to shut him up and I couldn't. I must be losing my touch. I had to get a hold of Jase in a hurry. I dialed his cell phone and paced as it rang.

"Was that him? Is he okay?" James voice broke the silence.

"Ja! You stupid fucker. You did a good job. He's at the airport, he's leaving."

"Leaving?"

"What did you expect him to do?"

I heard Jase's voice on the other end of my phone. "Helllloooo Jason here. Your dime, your time."

"Hey it's Lars. I need you over at James place. Like 30 minutes ago."

"Sure, I'm on my way man. Be there in twenty."

"Make it ten, we have an emergency."

"Gotcha!" Jase chirped as I hung up the phone. Thank God he was the one solid link in Metallica I could depend on.

I walked over to James' closet and pulled out a pair of jeans, a bright pink silk shirt and a fluorescent green T-shirt that I had gotten him as a gag gift for Christmas. Payback can be such a bitch. I threw his clothes against his chest. "Get dressed. Now!" I yelled.

"I told you I'm not going anywhere."

"The fuck you aren't. I don't have time for this, dick Jase is gonna take you to the doctors and I'm gonna go after Kirk."

"Did he tell you where he was going?"

"Nope."

"Then how will you find him?"

"I know the travel agent Kirk uses. I have my ways. You fucked things up good this time, Het. I'm so fucking mad at you. You not only messed up Kirk. You fucked me over and fucked with Metallica."

"Metallica's over."

He really was riding this pity wave. Didn't he know us better then this? Didn't he know how we would fight for him and Metallica no matter what?

"Over? You asshole. Even if the operation didn't work, what the fuck did it do to your brain?" I went over to him and poked his head. The fact that he was still blind till those bandages came off kept me from socking him hard.

"My brain?" James looked really annoyed at the poking.

Me? I just didn't give a flying fuck. He needed to get his head out of his ass.

"Yeah, you lose your sight so you can't think?" I poked his head again, then grabbed his hand. "Write? You can't touch? You can't feel? Can't make love to Kirk?"

James shoulders sagged and it looked like I was finally getting through to him. "I was there the day Kirk agreed to take you for better or worse. He's more of a man then you'll ever be. Now get dressed while I take a shower. I need to get your cum off of me. Make some coffee so I can have a cup when I get out."

"You want me to make coffee? Uh...Kirk usually..."

"Well Kirk isn't here anymore, and you damn well better get used to doing things for yourself. I'm not gonna be your live in, you don't have the right equipment."

James nodded. I closed the bathroom door then climbed into the shower. Fuck, the water felt good. I scrubbed myself clean. I could fill Jase in on all that happened and take off on the next flight after Kirk. I had to fix this mess one-way or the other. I hoped.

I hurried into the kitchen while still towel drying my hair. Jase had a cup of coffee in his hand and gave it to me. "Bless you, man!" I took a sip. "Not bad."

"Don't tell me, tell James." I turned to James who was sitting at the table.

"You did it by yourself?"

"Yeah, I'm sure the floor is a mess, but it got done."

I looked around the coffeepot, not a drop was spilled. "Yeah it's a bit messy, but you'll get better." I turned to our ever-faithful bassist. "Let me fill you in on what happened, Jase."

"Don't have too. James already started while you were in the shower. It's important you go after Kirk first."

I turned to James suspiciously. "You promise to finish telling him everything?" I glared at him, which was pretty funny considering he couldn't see me.

"Yeah, Lars. Everything."

"Fine," I gulped down the rest of my coffee while dialing Kirk's travel agent. "Missy! Hey! Lars here. Look Kirk's leaving today and I need to get his signature on some important papers. I know you can't, but this is really important. Besides, I'll make sure to leave tickets for your son at the box office next show we do in LA. Ja, okay, I got it, thanks." I hung up the phone and looked at my watch. "Damn, I'll have to take the next flight out. I don't think I'll make it in time."

"Where's he heading, Uli?" James asked softly.

"I don't think I want to tell you just in case I can't get him to come back with me. He deserves some time alone."

James nodded. "Just tell him, I'm sorry I fucked up."

"If my luck holds out, you can tell him yourself. I'm not cleaning up your mess. You'll have to." I handed Jase my coffee cup. "You know where the doctor's office is. His appointment is in two hours. I'll call if I have to fly out."

"Yup, no problems. I'll have him there early."

I nodded to Jase then whispered in his ear, "I hope I'm in time and we make it there together." He nodded. "I'm outta here!" I yelled, as I headed out the door.

Christ, life in Metallica was one melodrama after another.

&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;

~Jason~

I cleaned up around the kitchen as James finished bringing me up to speed on what was going on between him and Lars. This was one time I was actually glad to be on the outside. Maybe I could finally make James see how his being in control all the time was what was damaging his personal life and the band. I sometimes wondered if he ever saw those two as different entities.

"...And that's the whole story. So, I'm sure you hate me now too."

"Why would I hate you, James? This like so many other things that happen in the band this had nothing to do with me." Shit that sounded bitter. I didn't mean that to come out quite so harsh. Um, fuck yeah maybe I did.

"I never meant to exclude you. It's just that..."

"It was easier."

"Easier? What do you mean?"

"James, you're a control freak. You always have been, and always will be. You get off on being in charge. It gives you a hard on from hell. You have to be the one who takes care of everything and if you don't trust the people around you enough. You don't relinquish any of that control. Besides not getting close to me meant never having to go through what you did when Cliff died."

"That's not true. It has nothing to do with Cliff."

"Bullshit, you resented the fact that I was there and he wasn't. You fucking blamed me because I was happy at the opportunity of a lifetime. Never once thinking that I was hurting too. I mean fuck, I didn't know him personally, but he was a hero to me. Just like he was to you."

James didn't say anything for a long time; he just stood there fondling a cup of coffee. I mean what could he say? I was right.

"You and I really need to talk, don't we?"

"Yeah we do, but we have to get you to the doctor first."

"I don't want to go."

"You don't have a choice this time. You have to trust me. Now let's go."

"I do want you to know one thing. What I've done it has nothing to do with trust. If it's done my way, I know it's done right."

"If it's always done your way, James, then no one else gets a turn to make Metallica something sweeter. Metallica is four guys, man. Not two. You have Kirk and Lars has his girlfriend. When the touring is over, what do I have? Just the music. Holding that back is killing me."

"I just can't seem to let go. I need to take care of what represents Metallica otherwise there is no telling what shit could come of it."

"My music has nothing to do with Metallica. It can stand on its own. Are you saying my music is shit?" I could see that deep down James may never loosen up and let go. It's a shame.

"No, man that isn't what I mean. It's just that I've had to handle and take care of things all my life. No one gave me anything, so I know if I take care of it...it will be okay."

"Like you handled everything with Kirk this time?" I must have hit a nerve. His back tensed up really hard. "James you should know he's much stronger then you give him credit for and he's that way because of you."

"What?"

I laughed. "Yeah, even the mighty Hetfield doesn't fuck everything up."

I grabbed his jacket and lead him out to my Mustang. "James, did Lars help you dress?"

"Yeah. Something wrong?"

I looked at his bright pink T-shirt and the neon green pimp shirt over it. I was sure that was last Christmas' gag gift from Lars. "Nothing. Let's get you to the doctor."

I settled him in the car and he was quiet until we pulled on the interstate.

"Jase, what did you mean that I didn't fuck everything up?"

"Why should I bother telling you? You never listen to me anyway. Even after twelve years I'm still the 'newkid'."

"Hate to tell you this but I've always listened. May not have shown it but I did. I wouldn't have gotten through half that shit with Kirk if it wasn't for you."

"Me?"

"I may not say much, Jase. But when push came to shove, I watched you. You were always there, keeping us grounded. Making sure we didn't lose it. I watched you with Lars when he went overboard and, well, I was jealous when I saw how you could help him and I couldn't. I'm not really good with feelings and crap like that. Then when Kirk came to you with his problems I panicked. I had to do something. I needed to be the one that was there for him."

Fuck, I hated when he did this to me, took me off guard like that. Damn, he really knew how to get to me. James could smooth talk a nun into stripping for him. I decided he deserved another perspective on all this.

"All right, back when all that shit happened with Kirk. You were his strength. You were supportive and strong. Yet you knew when to step back and make him stand on his own two feet. I don't think I could have given that to him. I was there for him, guarding him, keeping the crowds away. But that wasn't what he needed. You let him see that you were there for him, but you also let him know he could stand alone. You know, I once told Kirk I thought he deserved better then you." I watched James tense and shift in his seat.

"Really?" The tension in his voice was thick.

"I was wrong and I'm sorry about that now, or at least I was until you pulled this stunt. Can't you see that he would be there for you no matter what?

"See?"

"Okay maybe a bad choice of words, but understand this, if you would have let things take their course, he would have never have abandoned you. Even if you don't regain your sight."

"Exactly. That's why I pushed him away."

"And that's why you have no one to blame if he doesn't come back. It was a dirty trick to play. He wasn't going to break, James. He's way beyond that fragile man we both knew so long ago. Fuck. And I thought you knew that."

"Knew what?"

"You knew damn well that Kirk would stand by you. You didn't care."

"No, I cared. I just didn't think he needed to be around an invalid for the rest of his life. His problem was fixable. My problem isn't."

"You don't know that for a fact. I talked to the doctor right after the surgery and he seemed very optimistic."

"That's not what I heard him say."

I sighed. James was one thick motherfucker. I know he honestly felt he was doing the noble thing by letting Kirk get on with his life. Too bad he couldn't see that he was Kirk's life.

"Fuck, we're here. Let's get you inside and get these damn bandages off. Then we'll know."

"Okay. And, Jase."

"Yeah?"

"Thanks."

"Don't thank me yet, Hetfield. If you aren't blind, I owe you one for accusing Kirk and I of fooling around, and I'm sure that Lars wants your balls on a plate. I hear in some countries they are considered a rare delicacy."

I pulled James out of the car, and led him inside the building. Something that James had said to me earlier had jumped back into my mind and I started giggling. I just had to know. "So, James, when Lars woke up did he freak out?"

James laughed. "Yeah, he went crazy. You should have heard him. I guess we all know what a little top the dictator is. He did freak out a bit."

"That's why we all love him so much!" I pushed the button for the elevator and we waited in silence for a while. I was looking down at my feet wondering what the hell we would do if James really were going to be blind for the rest of his life. Up until now it wasn't even a consideration. I knew he was going to be fine. Suddenly standing here with him, my heart began to race and I jumped when I heard his voice.

"Um...Jase can I ask you something?"

Shit, James was asking if he could ask me something. This could only mean trouble. "Sure." The elevator came and I helped him into it.

"You seem okay with Kirk and me being a pair. I mean you never really said anything against it and all, but we know how Lars feels. How do you feel about it?"

Okay, watch one lead singer become totally speechless. "James haven't you ever wondered why I haven't remarried?"

"Just thought you hadn't found the right girl. Lord knows you paraded enough hot ones in front of us!"

"Exactly, those girls were just for show. Nothing more, nothing less. I've really never found that special 'guy'. At least not till recently."

"You know, I think my fucking ears are clogged because I could have just sworn you said special 'guy'."

"I did. It's been a long time coming, but I finally found him. His name is Dylan."

"And you never said anything, hid it from us all these years?"

"Christ it was so long ago. At first I thought you all had figured it out...with all that early hazing, telling everyone I was gay. I was scared and didn't know which way to turn. I thought you were homophobic. At the time I knew Kirk was bisexual and that he was hiding it from you and Lars. It was a very confusing time for me. Later on, when I finally put two and two together and figured out about you and Kirk being a couple. The way you hid your relationship from everyone. I knew you really didn't have a clue about me. You were all just being dicks."

"Why did you keep it such a secret?"

"I really didn't keep it a secret from everyone. Kirk knows, but I chose not to tell you and Lars because of the image of the band. Although I know Lars may suspect something now since he caught Dylan and me making out in my car a few weeks back."

"Shit, what did he do?"

"Fucker thought he was being all funny shining a flashlight in our eyes, pretending to be a cop. I think he almost wet himself when I introduced Dylan. But he's cool about it now."

"I would have loved to have seen that. So, why not say anything to me?"

"You know, for me Metallica was one thing and I've felt my relationships are personal and totally separate from the band. When you and Kirk told Lars and I, and invited only family and us to the ceremony in Hawaii, I figured you wanted to keep it that way. Closed fist and all. So I respected that and kept my preferences to myself as well."

"Lord knows when the tabloids found out they had a field day anyway. Thank fuck our fans didn't give a shit, but Jase, it was right for us. We like our privacy, but man you could have done whatever you wanted too."

"Deep down -- I did. Even though they know now, my family wouldn't have understood back then, and fucking forget about the fans. It was hard enough standing in Cliff's shadow. I didn't want to be the _fag_ in a heavy metal band, standing in his shadow. So it was for the best."

"I think we need to stop giving a shit what anyone says -- like we used to."

"Lars always said fuck em!"

"Yeah, he has the right idea." James stopped short and pulled my arm as we got to the doctor's door. "I'm scared, Jase."

"About your vision?"

"Nah, not anymore. Whatever happens is gonna happen. You made me realize what's important. I'm scared I may not be able to fix things with Kirk."

"One thing at a time, bro. Eyes first. I'm sure Lars got a hold of Kirk. You two can talk later. I know him and I'm sure he'll at least listen to what you have to say before he cuts your balls off."

"Stop trying to make me laugh!"

"Dude, I'm serious."

James did laugh then he turned very serious. "Jase, you never, ever stood in his shadow, man. You found your own spot and really made something of it. Don't you ever forget that."

I just stood there and starred at him. Fuck, after all these years I've waited to hear that for so fucking long. Funny thing is I'd give it all up in a minute if it meant that James would get his eyesight back. "Thanks, man. That means a lot to me. Now let's get inside and get those damn bandages off so I can punch you in the face for all the trouble you've caused."

I extended my arm and placed James' hand on it. He followed me into the office. I only hoped that Lars managed to get to Kirk in time. I really didn't think I could handle this alone if it went badly.

&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;&lt;&gt;

~Kirk~

I knew he would get here sooner or later.

My knight in shining armor. Even when he fucks up big time, Lars always felt the need to make things right. Of course, he does it so Metallica will survive, but this time things would be different.

I had a lot of thinking to do and for once the band didn't mean a damn thing to me. I watched Lars as he went up to the counter and checked in. He was so harried and hassled that he didn't even notice I was still sitting there, my bag clutched in my hand, knuckles white against the handle. They had made the last boarding call an hour ago and I just sat here. I couldn't get on the plane.

I couldn't because I knew I still loved James. I didn't want this to all go away. He had stuck by me through all my troubles and I was determined to stick by him. Fight for him if I had too. Funny thing was I never thought I'd have to compete against a brother.

He walked toward the seats and finally spied me sitting in the corner. He looked relieved.

"Kirk, I can't believe you're still here!" He walked toward me arms opened wide.

"Disappointed cause the competition didn't leave?" Yeah I can have attitude, what of it?

"Kirk!"

Lars had this look in his eyes.

The look that said I wouldn't get a word in edgewise once he started. So I decided to attack first. I jumped out of my seat and pushed him into the one next to mine. I braced him in by leaning on the armrests because he was actually going to sit still and listen for once in his life.

"What the fuck did you think you were doing, Ulrich? Why on earth did you think you could take James away from me?"

"Kirk I -- you don't un..."

I pushed away from his chair, got up and started to pace. "I thought you and I were friends. How could you do this to me?"

"Sit down and lower your voice."

I laughed. "Why? Don't want the people to know that Starz Ulrich is a fag!" I said loudly.

Lars went to get up from his chair and I blocked him. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for."

"Damn right it was. Think. If I wanted James would I be here looking for you?"

I heard him say the words but they weren't sinking in. All I could see in front of me was he and James in bed together. James' cum covering his chest his arm protectively around Lars. His voice brought me out of the vision.

"Kirk, you aren't listening to me."

"Fuck, I thought you were straight."

"I am."

"You were in bed with my lover, covered in cum and love bites and you tell me you're straight?"

"Love bites? What the fuck, where?" Lars jerked around nervously.

I pointed to the lovely hickey on his neck.

"This?" I nodded. "James didn't give me this. My girlfriend did. Remember her?"

"Christy?"

Lars nodded.

"So, you're bi?"

He shook his head. "No. I'm one hundred percent straight. Well except for those two blowjobs I gave back when Jason joined the band. I was so fucked up one night and we...er, nevermind."

I couldn't believe my eyes. Lars was blushing. I made a mental note to ask him about the blowjobs later on. This was way too good to just let go, but right now I had to focus. "So, James was a one off?"

"Nope."

I sat down on the chair next to him, sagging against the armrests. "Lars, for once in your life, stop letting me talk and open your mouth, please tell me what happened. I've run out of guesses."

"Finally! Thank you. Nothing happened between James and I."

I started to interrupt him but he put his fingers up to my lips.

" Let me finish. I know what you think you saw. It was set up to make you think that way."

"A setup? You mean you agreed to help him make me think you slept together?"

"No! No way would I do that to you. James got me drunk. He even gave me something. The fucker could've killed me. I mean what if he put too much in my drink? I kinda remember staggering into your room other then that, I didn't know what hit me till this morning."

I looked into Lars' eyes. He was never a good liar. He could bluff with the best of them, but his eyes always told me if he was lying. "You mean he used you like that to make me want to leave him? That's fucking sick. I mean he had to know what it would do to our relationship. Let alone his and mine."

"That was the point. He wanted you to leave."

"Oh!" Okay, that fucking hurt.

"James is smart, he really thought this through. He knew you would be so pissed you'd leave him, but he also thought our friendship was strong and that you would eventually forgive me, even if it meant walking away from him. He had every intention of never telling me that it was a set up. You and I would have gone on thinking we'd slept together, and that was that."

"The perfect plan. So, what went wrong?"

"I woke up and told him what a fucker he was. He scared the crap outta me. Kirk, I'm not gay. To wake up in bed covered in cum, my best friend next to me - it was a shock! Besides, I think it all finally sunk into that thick skull of his. He had finally succeeded in pushing you away and it scared the shit outta him. He was terrified. Deep down he didn't really want to lose you."

I started giggling and then it turned into this high-pitched laugh. Lars was looking at me really strangely. "Sorry," I stopped laughing and tried to hold back my snicker. "You must have freaked out."

"I did."

"Check to see if you bottomed?"

"Fuck yeah! I mean I almost died thinking his dick was up my ass! Uh...I'm...sorry."

"It's okay. I know that us being gay isn't an issue with you. Damn, I am stupid. I know you're straight. But what I saw, I mean it looked like he fucked you."

"Hey, can I ask you something?" I nodded. "James asked me the same thing about topping and he can't see. Am I that obvious?"

"Yeah, Uli, you are." I put my hand on his arm. "I'm sorry I yelled. I just thought you were holding out on me."

Lars touched my cheek. "I could never hold out on you, Hamlet. You're as close as a brother -- closer even."

"But that still doesn't explain one important thing."

"What's that?"

"Why did he do it?"

Lars looked at his watch, then grabbed my bag. "Come on, I'll fill you in on everything in the car on the way to the doctor's office."

"His appointment was today. That was one reason I couldn't get on the plane yet because I had to know if he could see again," I told him breathlessly as I followed him out to the car. Lars threw our bags in the trunk then opened my door.

"That's why he wanted you out of the picture. He heard them say the prognosis wasn't good and that he was probably going to be blind." Lars got inside of the car and I opened the passenger door and got in.

"When the fuck did the doctor say that?"

"According to James the day after the surgery. That's why he was acting so strange. Getting all angry and going after you and all. He wanted to push you away. When you showed him you had balls and could stand up to him he got frightened and resorted to this little set up."

"How do you feel about what he did to you?" I knew Lars was a good one for holding a grudge. I was worried about their relationship. They were really close. I didn't want this fucking with their friendship.

"If...no! When he gets his eyesight back...I'm gonna be the first one to give him the black eye he really deserves." Lars grinned.

"I'll be right beside you. I think he deserves a matching pair."

Of course Lars drove like a fucking maniac...he thinks the Indy 500 is in town 365 days a year. We made it to Doctor Hart's office in record time and on the way there Lars filled me in more on what James did.

I had to hand it to my lover. It was all pretty clever whoever said he wasn't devious or smart really didn't know him very well. James was already in the exam room and Lars and I had a chance to talk to the doctor. We both followed him into the office, but didn't say anything.

I motioned to Jason not to say we were there and the doctor started his spiel. He talked all about the operation and told James not to open his eyes till he could put some drops in them. James nodded and the doctor cut away the bandages then went to remove the pads that covered his eyes.

It was at that point that I moved beside James and put my hand on his shoulder.

"Kirk?"

"Yeah, I'm here."

"I'm glad."

"I know. Go on, doctor. Get those drops in. I can't wait for James to see my lovely face again. Then he has lots of explaining to do before I leave." Ah, there was that tension in his muscles. Good!

James grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard. I noticed that Jason and Lars were standing next to one another holding hands as well. This really meant a lot to all of us. And not because of the band, but because James was our family.

The doctor turned off the lights and walked over to James. I heard him softly gasp as the doctor put the drops in his eyes.

"This may burn a little, Mr. Hetfield," he said.

James squeezed my hand harder. "I would like to play again some day," I soothed, speaking softly into his ear while rubbing his shoulder.

"Sorry, when they say a little, it's fucking a lot!"

James smiled and my heart melted. He had an awful lot to answer for. Truth be told I really didn't know if I could forgive him for not believing in us. Right now I just wanted him well, I could deal with everything else later.

"Okay, just keep them closed, James, for five minutes. They need to adjust to the drops I've put in. Your surgery went very well. I'm sure this is going to be fine."

"Fine? But I heard you say you didn't hold out any hope," James growled.

Doctor Hart looked confused. "I never said that to you."

"I heard you, next day after the surgery. You were talking to a nurse." I watched as James face went extremely serious.

"We weren't discussing your case. We were talking about another patient. I told both you and Mr. Hammett that things went very well."

"I told you the doctor said everything went fine, James."

"I thought you were only saying that so I wouldn't worry."

"You really needed to trust me. I wasn't hiding anything from you," I whispered.

"Oh fuck, Hamlet. I'm so sorry. I did all of this for nothing. Lars, will you ever be able to forgive me?"

"We'll talk about this later, Het. Eyesight back first. Then you'll pay later. I promise."   
Lars winked at me.

"Ok Mr. Hetfield, open your eyes."

I watched as James slowly opened the lids and started blinking.

"Kirk?"

My heart stopped. I've only seen James cry at two other times in his life. One when Cliff died and the other when we learned his dad was dying of cancer. "I'm here James!" James looked around the room, blinking and squinting. His eyes traveled all over each one of us then he stopped short and looked into the mirror that was in front of him on the wall.

"Can someone tell me what the fuck I'm doing in this bright orange T and green shirt?" James demanded, pulling on the fabric.

I could hear Lars and Jase cheering in the background. All I could do was throw my arms around him and hug him tightly.

"You look good, Hamlet." James ran his hand across my cheek. "We really need to talk."

"In a few days, James. Now that I know you are okay I need a little time to think about what's happened.

"Jason, can I stay at your place?"

He nodded. "It's about time. I want you to meet someone special anyway."

I smiled at Jason. "I'm looking forward to it."

"So we're over?"

"I never said that. I just need some time. I think you do too."

James nodded and touched my cheek. I leaned into his warmth.

"Hungry?" Jason asked.

"Tommy's?" James smiled.

"Sounds good." Lars said then shook the doctor's hand and we followed him out of the door.

James nodded. We thanked the doctor and headed out to Tommy's joint to get some grub. It was nice to be able to do something as friends. It would take a while to get back to being lovers.

Funny thing, for me it was fine. It finally sunk in that my relationship with James was based on a hell of a lot more then sex. If it wasn't, why on earth would he have been so frightened, so worried and do crazy things just thinking that he was protecting me? I've never had someone do something so drastic before just because he thought he was putting my needs first.

I may never really understand how he could have used Lars like that and I wonder how on earth Lars will forgive him. I mean I can understand his reasons behind his actions. Fear. But will Lars even be able to relate? I was lucky I faced those demons long ago and with my friends' help I won.

We're finally inside the old joint and laughing with Tommy as he shows us to our old table. We eat and laugh and joke and I finally realize that I've gone through most of my life, good and bad with these men. My eyes settle on James' eyes and he smiles. We've been through hell and back. First facing my problems and now his, but we faced it all together and I think that's what will get us back to a very special relationship.

Time and friendship will tell.   
The end....


End file.
